NYC December 13^th 2015.

“This is my December. This is my time of the year. This is my December. This is all so clear.

This is my December. These are my snow-covered dreams. This is me pretending, this is all I need.
And I just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed………”

Chapter 1

“You don’t have to go right NOW.” I hear him say as I drop another duffle bag full of my things next to the door. “At least stay till after Christmas.”

 I turn around to find him leaning against the kitchen counter, looking defeated.

“Yes I do Calvin. I should have left a long time ago.” I head back toward the bedroom and begin to pack another bag. I had made the decision a while ago, but it had taken me almost 2 months to get up enough courage to tell him I was leaving. I had had enough.

Enough of New York. Enough of the scene. Enough of painting in a city that I hated. Enough of not being proud of my own work. Enough of being in a relationship that I had never really committed myself to.

Calvin was young. Really young. 10 years younger than me. He was in his prime. And an aspiring artist. He reminded me a lot of myself at 22. Devoted, talented, rebellious, and his whole life ahead of him. We had been together almost 4 years now and I never got comfortable.

I met Calvin like I met many of the guys I fucked during my 10 years here in New York. At a gallery opening. But this time, it was his gallery opening at MY gallery. I remember eyeing him across the crowded room. Baggy dark jeans, gray sweater, converse sneakers, and the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. I had to have him. I filled his head with praise of how wonderful his work was, brought him back to my apartment that night and fucked him. That was 4 years ago. He never left after that night.

So here I am, 2 weeks before Christmas, packing my bags and leaving. It was time. He walks slowly into the bedroom and stands at the foot of the bed.

“You can stay in the apartment. I’ll turn the lease over to you.” I tell him. I don’t look at him. I can’t.

“I can’t believe your really going. What about your art? The gallery? This is your home Justin. It was our home. Will you even miss me?” His voice is shaky. Fuck.

I finally look up at him as I zip my suitcase closed.

“I can paint anywhere. That was the first mistake I made coming here. Thinking the only way I could be a successful artist was if I lived in New York. It’s bullshit. This fucking city is bullshit. As for the gallery, Eddie will take over. It’s his anyways. My heart was never really into it.” I pick up my suitcase and carry it out of the room, brushing coldly past him.

“And me?” He asks following behind me.

I drop the suitcase next to the door and turn slowly to face him.

“I wont. I wont miss you. Once I walk out that door I don’t plan on ever looking back. And you shouldn’t either. You’ll find someone your own age, some other twink artist and you guys will live happily ever after.”

“I don’t want some one my own age! I want you.” I steps toward me and I put my hand up.

“No. Calvin, it’s been over for a long time. Admit it. This is for the best.”

He sighs. “Tell me something. Are you moving back to Pittsburgh because you don’t want to be HERE? Or because HE isn’t HERE?” His voice is harsh and strong. That one got me right in the gut.

“You don’t know anything about him.” I say softly. I open the closet to grab my collection of jackets.

 “I know he is in every painting you do. I know you keep a picture of him in your sketchbook. I know every time your cell phone rings, you still jump, hoping it’s him. I know he is the reason you have had one foot out the door this entire relationship.” I freeze for a moment. He was right. I’d never admit it. But he was.

“You don’t know a god damn thing about me.” I say through gritted teeth.

“And whose fault is that? Not mine Justin. I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything. You just wouldn’t let me in. You kept secrets. I don’t know anything about your life before me. God we were together, living together, for 4 fucking years and I never even met your mother!”

I throw my coat on and walk over to him. I pull him into a hug. I cared about him. I did. But it was over. It had to be. I didn’t belong here. I didn’t belong with him.

“I love you, you know.” He mumbles against my shoulder.

“I know.” I pull back and kiss him one last time. It’s passionate and sincere. I meant it. I really did care about him. But I didn’t love him. And it wasn’t fair to him for me to stay when my heart wasn’t into it. It never has been. My heart has never been into anything since I moved here. And I knew it was time to go.

I pull my lips away from his and I see he is crying. “You’re gonna be fine.” I tell him and place my hand on his cheek. He nods. With one sharp move I pull away from him and scoop up my bags and open the door.

“I hope you get what you want.” He yells to me as I walk out the door. I turn my head to the side and tell him, “You too Calvin.”

I sprint down the stairs and hail the first cab I see.

I threw my bags in the trunk and slammed it shut. This was it.

“Where to sir?” The can driver asked.

“LaGuardia please.” I take one last look at the apartment building I had spent almost 10 years of my life in. 4 of those with someone I thought I could have been with forever. But forever doesn’t last as long as it used to. I was doing the right thing. For once I had no doubts. No hesitations. I was moving back to Pittsburgh.

I was finally going home.

***

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