“And now I don't know why, but I still try to smile when they talk at me like I'm just a child. Well, I'm not a child. No, I am much younger than that.
And now I have read some books and have grown quite brave. If I could just speak up I think I would say that there is no truth. There is only you and what you make the truth.”

Chapter 3

It was the first thing I decided to do as soon as I stepped off the plane.

I had to go see Deb.

I hadn’t been able to make it back to the Pitts for the funeral. I had a huge gallery opening to prepare for and when I had spoken to Michael he had said Deb would have wanted it that way. To do what I loved. But the truth? I would have rather gone home.

That’s what I really loved.

When I stepped out of the cab and scanned the long and winding rows of tombstones, I immediately got teary eyed. Shit. This was going to be harder than I thought. I lean down to the window and tell the driver, “I’ll be back in a bit.” I hand him a 20 and slowly head through the parking lot.

I took long deep breaths of the cold December air. I missed it. It felt good. New York was always so cold. I mean, hell so was Pittsburgh, but in a different way. I survived 22 years worth of winters here but never really noticed how cold it could get. In New York that’s all I ever noticed. How god damn cold it always was.

I had no plan. I didn’t even tell my mother I was coming home. I didn’t want a big deal made. I didn’t want a million questions asked. I just wanted to plant my feet back down on Pittsburgh soil and figure it out from there. But first things first. I needed to talk to Deb. She always knew what to do.

I walk through the maze of parked cars and spot an older man and a young boy standing by a car I knew I recognized. Is that? No. Can’t be. I see the young boy smile and I feel myself get dizzy. I know that smile. I know those eyes. The older man turns his head as he exhales smoke from what seems to be a joint, and smirks. Their upturned lips mirror each other.

Holy fucking shit.

I step closer and I have to stop because my head is woozy and my knees are weak.

A green Corvette.

A young boy, 15 maybe.

An older man. Early 40’s.

Same smile.

Same eyes.

I swallow hard and find my breath to speak.

“Brian….”

He whips around and as he lays his eyes upon me he gets white in the face. I don’t blame him. He literally is seeing a ghost.

There is silence for what seems like an eternity.

I don’t move.

Brian can’t speak.

I feel dizzy.

And then Brian’s clone breaks the silence.

“God enough drama. I’m assuming you two know each other. Just hug or duke it out or something. Stop being such QUEENS about it.”

I smirk and the tension is broken. Brian clenches his jaw and glares at his son.

“I’m Gus.” He steps toward me and holds out his hand.

“I know….I know who you are.” I tell him as I shake his extended hand.

Gus looks at me puzzled and I see Brian’s eyes close is disbelief.

“You do? How? Who are you?” He asks.

“Yea. I was there the night you were born. I even helped name you. I’m Justin. Justin Taylor. I’m…an old friend of Bri….your Dad’s.” My voice quivers and is hesitant. But I finally get all the words out.

Gus’s mouth drops open a little and turns and stares at Brian.

“HE was there when I was BORN?? You NEVER told me that. You just said it was You, Mom, Ima, and Uncle Mikey.”

Brian doesn’t answer. He just brings his finger up to the bridge of his nose and squeezes.

Did Gus have any idea who I was? Never mind, how could he? He was only 5 when I left. But I am sure Mel and Linds must have told them something….

“Wait..Justin? Your name is Justin? You’re the artist Mom and Ima talk about all the time. Their friend that lives in New York. Ok…I know who you are now.” He smacks Brian on the arm. “And you should have TOLD me he was there when I was born.”

Brian finally opens his eyes and drops his hand down to his side.

“Guess I forgot.” He says in his ‘I’m lying but I hope you believe me anyway’ voice.

“Bullshit.” Gus and I both chime in unison.

Brian looks down at the ground, and tries to hide his smirk. A smirk I hadn’t seen in nearly 10 years. A smirk that still made my stomach do flip flops.

“Have you come to see Grandma?” Gus asks.

“Yea…It’s been a long time.” I look at Brian and he glances up and our eyes meet. Electricity soars through my body. The fire was still there. It was faint, almost out, but I could still feel it.

“Well it was really good to see you…both again..” I start to walk away backwards, heading towards the grave sites.

“Do you wanna come have pancakes with us at the diner???” Gus asks excitedly. “I want to know what New York is like!”

Brian winces and closes his eyes again.

“No Gus it’s ok. My cab is here and I have to go check into my hotel…” I begin to say.

“Here for a visit?” Brian asks, his voice stern but I can still hear faintly in the thunder of his voice, the same softness I had heard the first night he ever spoke to me 15 years ago.

“Um..no. Actually, I’m moving back.” He raises his eye brow at me.

“It’s a long story.”

“Well you can tell us ALL about it over pancakes. Right Dad? He said you guys were friends right?” Gus looks at his father for an answer.

Brian’s eyes meet mine again. “We were. A long time ago.” I could cry right then. I could have jumped into his arms and showed him he was right. It was only time.

“Gus thank you but I still need to visit Deb.”

“We’ll wait.” Brian says softly as he kicks the rocks with his perfectly shined Prada shoes.

I don’t fight anymore and nod as I turn and walk into the sea of grave sites.

I knew her grave right away. It was the only one with glitter sprinkled around it.

I trace my fingers over the engraved letters and choked back the tears.

“Hey Deb…” I begin. Shit this was hard. How do I do this?

“I…I’m sorry I’m late. It took me forever to get here.” Tears fall freely now down my cheeks. I kneel down onto the moist ground lay my palms over her name on the stone.

“I wanted to come. So many times. When Michael told me you were sick…god why am I still such a child? Why couldn’t I have just swallowed my fucking pride? I’m so sorry Deb. I’m so sorry.” I am sobbing uncontrollably now. I can barely even breathe.

“What do I do? Tell me. What do I do now?” I rest my forehead against the cold stone and cry. It felt good to cry. I hadn’t cried in a long time. I needed this release. And leave it to Deb to get it out of me.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and a wave of warmness soothes my body.

“You ok?” His voice is barely a whisper. I nod against the stone.

“Come on.” He lifts me up slowly and tenderly. When I finally get on my feet I am inches from him. My body is buzzing.

He rubs his chin with his gloved hand and exhales heavily. “Lets get you something to eat. And Gus. If he doesn’t get his pancakes soon he may have a nervous breakdown.”

I graze my fingers one last time over Deb’s resting place and whisper “I love you.”

I see Brian smile and I follow him back to the parking lot. He nods at me as I get back into my cab.

“Where to now sir?” The driver asks me.

“Liberty Diner.”

***

Note: "Ima" is Hebrew for Mother. It is what Gus calls Melanie.

Lyrics taken from “Don’t know when but a day’s gonna come” by Bright Eyes.

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