I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

Chapter 4

Sunshine was back, and all I could do was stare. Suddenly I felt too warm to be wearing the huge coat I had on, and I felt like getting out my sunglasses. He was bright and warm and he still glowed. Time had treated him well. My whole body ached to grab him by the front of his shirt and kiss him, deep and hungry, and maybe grab his ass, and maybe –

But Gus was there, and suddenly they were shaking hands and talking, and that sort of ruined the mood. Well, that’s probably for the best. Those days were long past. It figured that he finally decided to visit only after it was far too late to fix things between us.

“Here for a visit?” I asked, and his answer shook me completely.

“Um… no. Actually, I’m moving back.”

Shit.

My head spun, and I felt somewhat sick to my stomach. What the fuck was he doing, coming back here?! He’d made it in New York, I knew he had. Hell, I’d kept up on his career as closely as I could, even to this day.

“It’s a long story.”

Yeah, I bet it was. Damnit. Damn, damn, damn.

“Well you can tell us ALL about it over pancakes. Right Dad? He said you guys were friends right?” Gus was asking me, and I could barely find the words. Damn this situation, and damn Gus for being such a people-person.

“We were. A long time ago,” I said, and I finally looked him in the eye. God, but he was gorgeous. I felt the old wound in me tear open again, and the pain that I’d carefully set aside and buried was suddenly back. Fuck. I sounded like a goddamn lesbian.

“Gus thank you but I still need to visit Deb,” Justin said, and I could tell he was as uncomfortable as I was.

This was fucking stupid.

“We’ll wait,” I said. He looked surprised, and a little scared, and I couldn’t see that, so I stared down at my shoe and kicked a pebble. How was it that this boy always managed to make me feel like a fucking child? Of course, he wasn’t a boy any longer. He was a man.

He turned to walk to Deb’s grave, and I sighed heavily and ran a hand through my hair, leaning back against the ‘vette. Gus arched an eyebrow at me.

“So?”

“So, what?” I asked, and lifted the last little stub of the joint I’d been holding to my mouth. Fuck, most of it had burned away already.

“Who is he, really?”

“Get in the car,” I said, and I opened the passenger door for him. “Wait here.”

“Dad,” Gus said, reaching out to grab my arm.

I turned to look at him, exhaling more smoke, and slowly feeling the pot take effect. I was starting to feel numb again. Good. “What?”

“N-nothing,” Gus said, and he ducked back into the car. Poor kid. He could tell something was up. Ah, well. I’m sure he’d figure it out eventually, and then I’d have to put up with the pitying looks I got from everyone else from him, too. Great.

I shut the door and walked back to Debbie’s gravestone. He was there, crouched before it and hunched over. His shoulders were shaking. He wasn’t just crying, he was sobbing.

Fuck.

I should really have turned back around and waited at the car. I should really have not given a damn, or rolled my eyes, or felt annoyed.

Instead, all I could do was walk over and put a hand on his shoulder. “You ok?” Shit, what a stupid question. Of course he wasn’t ok.

But he nodded, and I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I put my hands on his arms and helped him stand back up, as gently as I could. He was so fucking close to me, and all I could do was breathe deeply and smell him. For just a second, I thought I’d lose my control, and we’d end up fucking right there, on Debbie’s grave. I wanted to taste him now that I could smell him.

Then the feeling was gone. I rubbed my chin, trying to think of something to say. “Let’s get you something to eat. And Gus. If he doesn’t get his pancakes soon he may have a nervous breakdown.”

Justin nodded, and he brushed his fingers over Debbie’s headstone. “I love you,” he said softly.

I grinned. I didn’t know why I was grinning. Hearing him say that only brought back more memories; memories I’d rather have forgotten.

We walked back to the car in silence, and he got into his cab. I drove Gus and myself to the diner, the whole time trying to ignore the inquisitive looks Gus kept giving me. Despite having aged, despite having grown up finally, I was still Brian Fucking Kinney, and I didn’t talk about my feelings.

The diner was crowded and loud and sparkling. Debbie’s absence didn’t seem to have changed all that much. Except of course, our portions seemed to have gotten smaller, and she wasn’t there. It had taken a couple of months to get used to. For a while I wouldn’t eat here at all, but that felt wrong. So I came, and I ate, and I always left a huge tip.

We’d only just slid into the booth when Justin walked in the door. I’d made sure to sit next to Gus, instead of across from him. I wasn’t ready to sit next to Justin. I would have put my arm around his shoulders, like I always did, and if I did that, well… like I said, my self control wasn’t very strong.

“Hey,” Justin said, and he slid in across from us.

Shit, this was weird.

“So how come you left New York?” Gus asked. “It must be really cool!”

Justin smiled, and I felt my chest ache, and my cock twitch. I must be a glutton for punishment.

“I missed… being here,” Justin said, and he glanced at me.

I wanted to scream and punch something.

Gus frowned and glanced back and forth between the two of us. “So… you guys were… friends?”

Justin nodded, and I didn’t say anything. Sure. Friends.

“Were you friends like dad and Uncle Mikey are friends?” Gus asked Justin, and I could see an evil glimmer in his eye.

Justin looked confused for a second. “Well, Michael and… your dad… they’re best friends, so-“

“Not anymore,” Gus said.

Justin looked at me again, and this time he looked worried.

Shit. “It’s nothing,” I said. Gus needed to shut his fucking mouth.

“They had-“ Gus began, but I cut him off by elbowing him in the ribs really hard. “OW!”

I tried to look innocent. “So. Pancakes?” I waved a waitress over.

“Dick,” Gus mumbled under his breath. Stupid brat. He needed to learn to keep his goddamn mouth shut.

We ordered, because the waitress didn’t know exactly what we wanted like Debbie would have, and she didn’t even make any cock jokes. I missed Debbie. She would have made a crack at my expense, and then we would have laughed, and things wouldn’t have been so fucking awkward.

“Grandma said you’d been in love once,” Gus said after the waitress was gone.

“Grandma said a lot of fucking stupid shit,” I growled, and gave him a look that threatened a slow and painful death.

Justin looked amused. Asshole.

“Was it with him?” Gus pointed at Justin, as if he wasn’t right there, and gave me a ‘don’t shit me’ look.

I pursed my lips and looked away. I didn’t have anything to say to that. Normally I’d come up with some smartass thing to say, but I couldn’t think of a damn thing.

Justin cleared his throat. “I’ve been gone ten years, Gus.”

As if that changed a fucking thing.

“So?” Gus asked.

Yeah, I thought. So?

“So how are things here? How are Michael and Ben? Is JR visiting, too?”

Gus shrugged. “Nah, mom and ima say she’s not old enough to spend the holidays away from them. And Uncle Mikey and Ben are fine, but I haven’t gotten to see them much since I got here a few days ago. Usually we’d spend a lot of time with them, but…”

Justin was giving me a worried look again. “What happened?”

God, was he asking me? I just shrugged. “Losing Debbie’s been hard on him.”

Justin nodded, as if that explained everything.

“Like I tried to say, they-“ Gus began again, but before I could elbow him again, the door opened, and guess who walked in.

Well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. This was where Michael still spent a lot of his time, even if his mom wasn’t here. I guess old habits die hard.

“Shit, is that Justin?” Michael asked, and he walked over, grinning. “Justin! What the hell are you doing here?”

Justin grinned and stood to give Michael a hug.

I hadn’t gotten a hug.

“I’m moving back,” he said.

“Seriously?!” Michael looked happier than I’d seen him in months.

Justin nodded, and then Michael glanced over and saw me, and his smile faded. “Where are you staying?” he asked Justin, but he was looking at me.

“Um, a hotel, I just got to town so I haven’t found an apartment yet.”

“No, you’re staying with Ben and me,” Michael said, looking back at Justin. “We’ve got a spare room.”

“Oh, I couldn’t,” Justin tried to say, but I knew it was too late. Mikey wasn’t one to give up.

“Hey, there’s no reason to stay in a hotel when you’ve got family, right?” Michael hesitated for a moment, and then looked at me. It was the first time we’d really looked at each other since it happened. “Unless you already asked him.”

Fuck you, Michael.

“Why would he stay with us?” Gus asked, giving us all an accusing look, as if we were hiding some huge secret. Well, I guess we actually were. “I’m already sleeping on the sofa bed, and it’s not like the loft has a spare room.”

I bit my lower lip and kept my gaze fixed across the room. Again, I didn’t know what to say.

“I guess I thought…” Michael started, then he sighed. “Well then, you’ve got to stay with us.”

Justin smiled weakly and shrugged. “You’re not going to let me say no, are you?”

“Nope,” Michael said, and he was smiling again. Good.

“Hey,” Gus said, leaning across the table. “Somebody’s gonna tell me what the fuck is going on around here!” He turned and gave me an irritated look. “I thought you were the parent that didn’t hide shit and lie.”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be such a drama-princess.”

His eyes narrowed. “Me?! You’re the one that’s-“

“We used to go out,” Justin said.

I glanced at him and frowned. Oh, is that what he thought of it as? I tried to keep my face blank. I didn’t want anyone to know that I suddenly felt like I’d been punched in the kidneys.

Gus nodded. “Right. And?”

“And it didn’t work out. I had a career in New York, and Br- your dad had one here.” Justin shrugged dismissively, and now I felt like I’d been punched again, but this time by someone much stronger. Was it normal to feel like the air’s been knocked out of you over something someone’s said?

Gus nodded, and he gave me a look that meant he’d suddenly put it together. He knew that a few times a year I holed up in my apartment with a bottle of Beam and wouldn’t talk to anyone. He knew that I never dated, never fell in love, and scoffed at anyone who did. And he knew that no one had wanted to tell him who Justin was in all those photos. The kid was smart.

“So you’re the one,” he said, and frowned at Justin.

“So uh, do you wanna go? I just wanted to get some lemon bars to go, so…” Michael said, and Justin nodded gratefully.

“What about your food?” I asked, and bit my tongue as soon as I had. Why the fuck was I trying to get him to stay? He should go. He and Mikey should go, and have fun, and forget about me and all the bullshit drama that had happened between us all. Of course, if Justin was staying with Michael, it was guaranteed that I’d barely ever see him. But that was probably for the best.

“I’ll get it to go,” Justin said, and he wasn’t making eye contact with me anymore.

All I could do was nod, and watch him get his food and leave. My whole body ached.

Gus pushed me out of the booth, and I moved to the other side. “I’m just gonna go tell Uncle Mikey something,” he mumbled, and he ran after them.

The waitress brought our plates, and I sat there alone and didn’t eat. I didn’t feel hungry anymore.

***

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