“How do you feel? That is the question. But I forget you don't expect an easy answer. When something like a soul becomes initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes. You can't expect a bit of hope. So while you're outside looking in describing  you see, remember what you're staring at is me…”

Chapter 5

When I stepped out into the bitter cold and onto the sidewalk I let the air escape my lungs and leaned against the side of the diner. Shit. Fuck. Dammit.

“We used to go out.”

What a fucking stupid ass thing to say. How could I have dismissed our entire relationship like that? I saw the pain in Brian’s eyes when I said it. It’s funny how 5 simple words can destroy an entire past.

“You alright?” Michael asks. He looks saddened like he felt the same pain I did.

“Are you gonna tell me what the fuck happened?” I am leaned over, hands on my knees attempting to breath but glaring up at him.

He looks across the street to avoid eye contact with me. Jesus. This was gonna be bad.

“Things werereal hard after Ma died. Real bad. Brian seemed to be the only one who understood. The only one who could comfort me…” I knew where he was going with this. Jesus Christ. Don’t tell me….

“…One night we were both pretty wasted. Drinking, smoking, and just laying around the loft. We were talking…about you… about Ben and me…and….” His voice got quivery and he shoved his hands in his pocket.

“You fucked.” I finished for him. His head whipped to the side to look at me. He let out his breath into the cold air and nodded.

I stand up and stare at him blankly. Was I jealous? No. Was I mad? No. I felt bad for them. My heart went out to Michael. And Brian.

“Say something.” Michael pleaded.

Where do you want me to begin?

“Say what?”

“Anything. Be mad. Be something.” He fumbles to get his car keys out of his pocket.

“So? How was it? Everything you imagined?” Ok, so now I’m starting to get jealous. Did Brian have sex with him the way he had sex with me? Doubtful. Brian never fucked anyone the way he fucked me. I’d see him fuck other people. It was never like it was with me. God, I was getting hard just thinking about it. Fuck.

“It was… I don’t know. Not what I expected. I freaked out and he acted like an asshole like he always does. I just stopped talking to him after that. I… I don’t know, needed some space I guess.” I nod. Michael finally got what he wanted. But like many things you wait almost your whole life for, they don’t always turn out the way you thought they would.

“When it was over, when we were… done, I asked him who he was thinking of. He didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. I knew the answer. It was you. It didn’t feel right. I don’t know what I expected. But I guess when you don’t love someone-”

“He loves you, Michael.” I cut him off.

He shakes his head. “Not like he loves you. You don’t know what he’s been like…you haven’t seen him-” He is cut off again, this time by the diner door being shoved open.

“You!” Gus bellows as he points at me.

I blink a few times and stare at him.

He storms over to me.

“I know who you are.” He stands in front of me, hands on his hips. Damn, this kid’s got balls.

“We’ve established that. I’m Justin. And old friend…”

“Bullshit. I know who you really are. You’re the one in all the pictures that Mom and Ima take down before Dad comes to visit. The one in the pictures that Dad keeps in a shoe box in his closet. The one who broke his heart.”

I laugh at that and look at Michael. He isn’t laughing.

“You think that’s funny? Funny!!?? Is it funny that a few days a year Dad locks himself in the loft with endless bottles of liquor and doesn’t talk to anyone? There’s a day in February and a day a few days after his birthday when no one gets in and he doesn’t come out. And what did you do to him the day I was born? Cause he won’t even call me on my birthday. He calls me the day BEFORE or AFTER, but never ON my birthday. That’s FUNNY to you??” He is yelling so loud it’s echoing up Liberty Ave.

“I didn’t do anything…” A day in February? What the fuck was in February…Oh, shit. I left in February.

And a few days after his birthday… May… OH.

Fuck me.

Prom.

“He won't date, or care about anyone. It's your fault, isn't it? You guys were serious, and you left. And he hasn't cared about anyone ever since.” His eyes are glazing over. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be Brian’s son. It’s hard enough just being a part of Brian’s life, period. I could see the unconditional love Gus had for his father. If Brian hurt, Gus hurt. I used to know what that felt like, too.

I look at Michael. He nods his head as if to say everything Gus was telling me was true. I look at Gus.

“He told me to go… I had to go… I loved Bri… your dad. So much. But… I…” I can’t finish my sentence. It’s too hard.

“What did you come back for? I hope you weren’t thinking you could just use your ‘sunshine’ smile and weasel your way back into his life.” My eyes widen and my mouth falls open at Gus’s words. Sunshine. No one has called me that in almost 10 years.

“Yeah, I know what they used to call you. Well, at least Grandma used to still call you that.” His eyes sadden at his mention of Deb.

“It was just time for me to come home, Gus. It had nothing to do with Bri… your dad.” I lied. I didn’t tell him his dad was all I thought about. I didn’t tell him how I couldn’t make a relationship work because of it and instead of sticking around or doing things the grown up way, I decided to just run away. Run back to my past.

“Well, stay away from my dad. You’ve done enough damage. And now after today he’ll probably lock himself in the loft and drink himself to death for the rest of my visit.”

He turns to Michael. “And as for you. Suck it up and talk to him. The two of you are like high school drama queens. So you had sex with him. Who hasn’t? Jeez.” And with that, Gus turns on his heel and waltzes back into the diner.

I stare open mouthed at Michael, who shared the same expression.

“He’s a fire cracker, huh?” Michael mumbled. “Come on.”

He helps me get my luggage out of the cab and put it into his car.

“You sure you’re ok with this?” I ask him. He looks at me and forces a smile.

“Yeah. We are kindred now. We both lost him and now we have to live with it.”

I take one last look at the diner and see him arguing with Gus through the window. His face is twisted and Gus is throwing his hands in the air like he is telling him the most important thing he will ever hear. Brian’s hands go to his face and he clutches his hair that now has soft speckles of gray through out it. He was still so beautiful.

He breaks free of his own grasp and our eyes meet through the glass. His face is expressionless. I try to force a smile but I can’t. Gus was right. I had done enough damage. I climb into Michael’s car and as he pulls away I make a vow. This was a brand new start. Just like New York was a brand new start. 

And I’d be doing it the same way.

Without Brian.

“I'm looking at you through the glass, don't know how much time has passed. And all I know is that it feels like  forever. When no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head.”

***

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