“Hey you, standing in the road always doing what you're told, Can you help me?

Hey you, out there beyond the wall, Breaking bottles in the hall, Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all. Together we stand, divided we fall.”

Chapter 7

I placed the last of my t-shirts into the drawer and closed it. I shoved my suitcase under the bed and sat down gently. I closed my eyes and let the words from the radio invade my head. I knew this song. I knew it well.

“How’d you sleep?” I hear Michael ask behind me. I turn my head and see him leaning against the doorframe. I smirk.

“Ok, I guess.” That’s a lie. I barely slept.

“You can’t bullshit me. I’ve known you too long.” He walks slowly into the room and stands in front of me. “You ok?”

I look down at my hands and shake my head. Ok? Ha, no. More like numb.

“Listen…” Michael begins. “I know we haven’t talked much in like the past, oh um, 10 years but if you need to talk about anything…you know I’m here.”

I look up at him and smile. Michael had always been a good friend, even through everything. We were older now, all the jealousy and angst we had gone through was long gone. He was right; we were family. Deb would have been proud to see us now, reaching out to each other in times of need. If only she could be here to bring Michael and Brian back together now.

“You wanna tell me what happened?” He asks as he sits down next to me.

I look at him with a curious expression.

“With you and Brian. All I know is one day he came back from seeing you in New York and he was fine. Happy, dare I say it. And then, POOF. Nothing ever again. He wouldn’t talk about it. Then one day I noticed your pictures were down in the loft. I tried to get him to talk about it, but he never would.”

I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

“Things were good for a while. The first 6 months were amazing. We talked everyday and he came to visit. A lot. But me and my stupid pride. He didn’t like where I was living. He kept trying to give me money, get me a better place to stay. You know Brian.” 

Michael smirks and nods.

“I had found out he paid my rent on my apartment for a year. I freaked out. We got in this huge fight over the phone one day. I told him I didn’t need or want his help anymore. I needed to do this on my own. That was the whole point of me going to New York. I hurt him. A lot. He was only trying to help. But with Brian and his pride, couldn’t understand or accept what I was trying to tell him. So he told me to go live my life without him. Since I didn’t ‘want or need’ him. And I agreed. That was 9 years ago. Yesterday was the first time I had seen or spoken to him since.”

I run my fingers through my hair and groan. “I tried to have another relationship. His name was Calvin. I actually moved out my apartment and just left him there. We were together 4 years, but I never…I never got comfortable. I kept him at a distance.”

“I didn’t know you were dating anyone that serious.” Michael chimed in quietly.

“No one did. He never even met my mother. The truth is I never let go of Brian. I couldn’t. In my mind I always had these ‘what if’ doubts. So I just coasted through my life there. Opened a gallery, painted, but never loved anything I was doing. And Calvin was a good distraction. He loved me, god he did everything for me. But he was young and I knew he could do so much better than me. So one day I decided the only way to get my life back was to come back here. Start over. Again. Back to square one. Stupid?” I turn and look at Michael who had listened to every single word I had said. He was such a good friend.

He shakes his head. “No. Not at all. You have no idea how many times Ma tried to get Brian to call you or go see you. He couldn’t. It was too hard for him. He never got over you either, Justin. He just…buried you away I guess. He continued to live his life. He has been a great father to Gus. Kinnetik is still going strong. Babylon is still the hottest place to go and Brian Kinney is still Brian Kinney.”

I smile at him and bump his shoulder. “And you, Michael? You wanna tell me what happened now? Since we are sharing so well?” Michael looks up at the ceiling and begins.

“After we um… you know, I went to see him at Kinnetik a few days later. I needed to talk to him. Tell him, shit, tell him anything. We had been friends since we were kids. So I go there and tell him how he was the one thing I had always wanted. That I had waited almost my whole life to finally be THAT close to him. To know what it was like. But it wasn’t everything I expected. And that it was a mistake. Because it wasn’t love. It was just pain management, I guess. He was thinking about you when we were having sex. He didn’t like that. I had brought you up and he freaked. He got in my face and told me how I loved it. That it was what I had always dreamed of and I was just mad because I knew he didn’t feel the same way and he didn’t want me.”

“Jesus.” I bring my hand to my face. Brian could be such an ass sometimes.

“Yeah. So I told him he was wrong, and that I didn’t want to lose him. He screamed at me and told me we weren’t even that good of friends anymore and maybe what happened was for the best. I got what I wanted, I finally got to have sex with him and we should just face the inevitable. The Brian and Mikey show was finally over. So I left and never looked back.”

I put my arm around Michael and he lays his head on my shoulder.

“God we are pathetic.” I say. We both laugh and it breaks the tension.

“Brian would be so proud.” Michael jokes.

“Umm Michael?” We hear Ben say and lightly knock on the door.

We both turn and find him smiling and holding a cell phone in his hand.

“Ted just called. Um, he said Brian didn’t show up to work today.” He looked concerned. God what a great man Ben was. Michael had sex with Brian and he forgave him. Jeez, I don’t even know if I forgive Michael.

“And? What am I supposed to do about it?” Michael stands up and walks to Ben. Ben hands him the cell phone.

“You know when no one can find Brian they call you. They always have. They always will.” Ben touches Michael’s face. I have never in my life seen such love. I was awestruck.

Michael shakes his head. “I’m not…I’m not going.”

A surge of energy and courage washes over me.

“I’ll go.”

Michael spins around and looks at me wide eyed. “A-are you sure?”

I nod. I needed to do this. There were some things I needed to say, anyway. Things I had to tell him. So I could finally be at peace. So I could finally move on.

I smile at Michael and Ben as I move past them out of the bedroom. I run smack into Gus as I step into the hallway. He was standing right next to the door. His eyes are soft and pained. He looks up at me. He wants to say something. He has the look. The same look Brian used to give me when he had a million things on his mind, but no way to get the words out.

“Sorry.” We both mumble as I brush past him and thunder down the stairs.

***

I pull the loft door open and there is so much pain in my heart, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through this. Just the walk alone to the loft flooded me with so many memories and heartache; I almost turned back like 10 times.

I step inside and quietly slide the door closed. It still looked the same. Same furniture. Same cleanliness. Same white shag rug. Same over sized pillows thrown on the floor. I had been on every inch of this loft. And I was still in the air here. I could sense it. I felt myself here. I walk slowly further inside and take in all that’s around me. I glance at the bedroom. Same bed. I sigh. God all I wanted to do was and lie there and fall asleep. I had never slept as well as I did in that bed.

I head toward the living room and notice a large painting on the wall opposite the couch. Fuck. It was one of my paintings. Dark blues swirled together with splatters of red and orange. It was one I had been the most proud of while being in New York. How the hell did he get it?? I shake my head away from the thought and hear a slight snore from the couch.

I turn and find Brian passed out on the couch. One arm tucked underneath his ass, the other across his chest. One of his legs is hanging over the side of the couch and his face is pushed into the back of the couch. His gray speckled hair is in wisps across his sweaty forehead.

I notice 2 empty bottles of Beam. One on the coffee table and the other turned over on the floor. Weed reminiscence scattered on the floor and coffee table as well. Jesus Christ.

I walk closer and stare down at the beautiful creature in front of me. 44 years old and god so fucking beautiful. The lines around his eyes were beyond noticeable now, which probably pissed him more than anyone would understand. I reached my hand out to brush his hair out of his eyes but quickly brought my hand back like I was about to touch fire. Shit.

“Brian?” I touch his shoulder ever so gently. He stirs and his hand falls off the couch and a loud thud echoes through the loft. I look down and find a box had fallen out of his clutched hand. I kneel down and pick it up. What the fuck…..

I open it slowly and I am immediately blinded by shiny platinum. They are, still to this day, the most beautiful pieces of jewelry I had even laid my eyes on. He had kept them….he had fucking kept them.

“Mmmm Good Morning Sunshine.” I look down to see Brian slowly waking up. He had the biggest smile spread across his face.

***

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