Forget me nots and second thoughts live in isolation.
Heads or tails and fairytales in my mind. Are we we are, are we we are the waiting
unknown. The rage and love, the story of my life.
And screaming, Are we we are, are we we are the waiting….”
Chapter 9
As soon as I closed the loft door I wanted to throw it back open
and run to him. I wanted to kiss him, hold him; feel him in my arms. He had
kept the house. He had kept it. I couldn’t stop saying it as I walked up and
down
He wanted me to have it.
”Sell it. You’ll
make enough to get yourself a little condo of your own, and open a gallery or
something. It’s yours. I told you that before.”
Sell it? How the fuck could I sell
it? I’m not sure I am even going to be able to GO there. What did this mean? He
kept the house for 10 fucking years. Jesus. He could have sold it. There were
ways around it. He could have just called me and told me; its over we need to
sell the house. But he didn’t. He kept it.
GOD! What was I doing? I came back here…to….Jesus I have no idea
what I came back to do. I had to face the facts. Calvin was right. I moved from
“I
still love you. Time doesn’t change that.”
I clutch the paperwork in my fist as I make my way toward the
diner. I needed to eat. I needed to talk…I needed…FUCK. I needed Deb. I stop
dead in my tracks and bring my lips into my mouth. Deb wasn’t going to be
there. Shit. But it didn’t change the fact that I needed her. I hail the first
cab I see. I had to talk to her.
***
I laid the paper work out in front of me as I sat Indian style in
front of Deb’s grave. I wanted to show her.
“So what do I do now Deb? Huh? What am I supposed to do now? Sell
it? How the fuck can I sell it? Live there? How the FUCK am
I supposed to live there? Jesus Christ. Why does he do this shit? Why can’t he
just tell me he loves me? He misses me?” I smirk. I already knew the answer.
“I know, I know. The same reason I don’t.”
I could hear Deb now.
“Sunshine, you know as well as I
do the reasons why he does these things. Its his own
pride that keeps him prisoner.”
I smile. She was always right. I
find it funny in the 2 days I have been back in
My Mother.
Holy shit. My mind starts to race. Why
didn’t SHE tell me Brian never sold the house? What the fuck. She must have
noticed he didn’t contact her to sell it. She must have noticed he never ended
up selling the loft. She must have wondered why. Was
there more things she knew that she never told me?
FUCK.
I scramble up on my feet and grab
the papers and shove them in my coat pocket. I tell Deb goodbye and I missed
her and make a silent plea that she would give me strength through all this.
She always had before. I knew she wouldn’t let me down this time.
***
I opened the front door to my
mother’s house and slammed the door. I was so angry I could break something. I
find her sitting on the couch, with Molly by her side. They were deep in
conversation. I didn’t care. I had some questions I needed answers to.
“Why didn’t YOU TELL ME!?” I scream at her as I throw the deed to Britin at her. A shocked look comes over her face. She
hadn’t even known I was in town. I hadn’t had to guts to call her yet and tell
her I had run home, scared of the big bad city.
“Justin! What are you doing here?!” She smiles at me and I wince
at her excitement. Molly jumps up and throws her arms around me. I pat her back
gently but don’t give her the full hug she deserved and that I wanted to give
her. I was too hurt and enraged to even think straight.
“Why didn’t you tell me he didn’t sell it!? All this time I
thought he had moved on. I thought I was doing the right thing staying in
Tears are streaming down my face now and I sit down in the chair
next to the couch. My mother looks at the papers I had thrown at her and her
face drops. Now she knows what I am talking about.
“Oh honey. I didn’t tell you because he told me not to. I
promised.” She extends the papers back toward me.
“You promised? YOU PROMISED??!! I’m your goddamn son. What about promises to me?!” I can feel the veins in my neck
starting to pulsate.
“Honey calm down. What is this all about? And I have to ask again,
what on earth are you doing here?” She comes and kneels down in front of me and
puts her hand on my cheek. I instantly calm down. My mother had that way about
her. Only one other person could do that to me.
“I…needed to come home Mom. I needed to feel like I was me again.
I hated it there.” I am sobbing now.
“Shhhh…ok ok.
It’s ok. Come here.” My mother pulls me into one of her world famous hugs and I
throw my arms around her like I am 6 years old again and I had fallen off my
bike and skinned my knee. Except this time the pain was internal and couldn’t
be healed by a band-aid.
She pulls back and wipes my tears with the back of her hand. “Your gonna be ok. And as for
Brian…I…” She takes a deep breath. “Who knows why he does what he does. He kept
the house. Why I have no idea. He just told me never to tell you. And I figured
when you had told me it was over between the two of you all that time ago, I
figured it was for the best not to tell you.”
I nod. She was right. She was just trying to protect me.
“I’m sorry I yelled.” I attempt a smile at her through my tears.
She smiles and kisses my forehead.
She stands and I finally get a hold of myself. “So what are you
doing here Mollusk?” I ask my little sister. Her eyes widen and she looks at my
mother. My mothers smile soon fades. What the hell was going on?
“Honey, well. It’s your father.” My mother says sitting beside
Molly on the couch.
“What about him?” I ask. My heart starts to pound harder and harder
with each breath.
“He’s sick honey. He had a massive heart attack last night. He is
on a respirator. They want to do a triple bypass but they aren’t sure its even going to work. His heart is just too weak.”
I actually feel myself stop breathing for a second. My father.
Well he wasn’t much of a father. I had spoken to him once in the
10 years I lived in
“Doesn’t matter.” I finally say and shrug my shoulders
as I lean back in the chair.
“Justin he’s your father.” My mother’s eyes get sad.
“Right.” I snort. “Some father. He fucking hates me.”
“No, he doesn’t. He loves you. You’re his son.” My mother tries to
take my hand in hers but I pull away and stand up abruptly.
“Fuck that. He hasn’t wanted anything to do with me for almost 15
years. And now just because he is sick I’m supposed to care? I’m supposed to
run and sit by his bedside and hold his hand. Well you can forget it. I’ll
ignore him the same way he has ignored me all these years. I-” I’m starting to
cry again. “-I gotta go.”
I brush past my mother and leave the house with a slam of the
front door.
Again I felt like I couldn’t breath.
Today was not a good day for breathing. I wish I still had my inhalers. What a good
time NOT to have them. I could be so dumb sometimes.
How could my mother even THINK I would care that my father was
sick? After everything?? After disowning me and having
me ARRESTED? And now that he is sick I am just supposed to forget all about that
and forgive and forget? The truth was though, I wanted to forgive and forget. I
wanted to see him and have him tell me how proud he was of me. That’s all I
ever wanted from him. His approval and love.
I should get a cab I thought, but I didn’t. I just started to run.
I ran down street after street, out of the suburbs of my mother’s neighborhood
and back into the heart of
And so I ran. I had never run so fast in my life. And for once I
knew exactly where I was going. There was no doubt. I ran to the only place I
had ever known for sure I belonged. The only place I felt safe. To the only
person who had ever made me feel like I was alive.
And as I banged on the door I held my breath and prayed he’d know
what I needed.
***