“What if you could wish me away? And what if
you spoke those words today? I wonder if you'd miss me when I'm gone. It's come
to this, release me. I'll leave before the dawn. And what if you could hear
this song? And what if I felt like I belonged? I might not be leaving oh so
soon. Began the night believing, I loved you in the moonlight. But for tonight
I’ll stay here with you. Yes for tonight I’ll lay here with you. But when the
sun hits your eyes through your window there'll be nothing you can do.”
Chapter 13
There are
moments in your life that set the course of who you are going to be. Moments that stay with you forever. Your first
home run in little league. Your first kiss. Your high school graduation. The day you get married. But
for gay men, especially me, it wasn’t any of those things that stay with you.
Things that set the course of who I had become were much different. The first
time I ever saw Brian. The first kiss, the first fuck with
Brian. The first time I danced at
And tonight. As Brian laid his hands on my body and kissed me so deeply I thought
my heart may explode, I knew this would be one of those nights that no matter
where we went from here, whether our paths went the same way or apart again, it
would always be a part of me. After almost 10 years, it felt like the first
time all over again. I felt the same things right now that I felt that night. Want, need, uncertainty, confusion. But none of it mattered.
I needed him. I needed to feel him inside me. I needed him to take me. All of me. To make me feel something other than what I had
been feeling.
I had to
kiss him first. I knew he wouldn’t. I knew he wanted this to be on my terms. He
was gentle at first. Waiting for me to make my own moves.
This was for me, and he wanted me to call the shots. But as soon I whispered
the words I knew he couldn’t resist, it was all over and my ‘terms’ went right
out the window.
“I
want you inside me.”
And now
here we were, our sweaty hot bodies pressed against each other in what can be
called nothing else but pure lust. His fingers were slowly grazing over the
slit of my cock as I bucked up into him. His lips were hard and forceful on
mine, and our tongues danced to a song only we knew. It was the same song that
played 15 years ago. The same song that brought us together
that first night.
“Brian please…” I moaned as he traced his tongue from the nape of
my neck all the way down to my hardened nipples. His hand never left my cock
and I ached for him with every soft touch.
“Please
what? Say it Justin. Say it.” He nibbles my ear lobe as he groans his request.
I bite
down hard on his shoulder and he yelps like a wounded puppy. He glares at me
and I smile devilishly at him. His face softens and he cocks one eyebrow at me.
I lick his lower lip and tug on it with my teeth.
“Fuck
me.” I demand against his mouth. And without further hesitation he grabs my
legs and forces my knees up to my chest. I know this position. It’s the ‘I’m
going to fuck you hard and deep and I want to see the look on your face as I
do’ position. And I wanted it so badly I could taste it. Our mouths practically
became one as he fumbled to reach the bedside table. His lips have to leave
mine to reach to the drawer. I wrap my fingers around his dick and pump up and
down so fast my hand starts to cramp.
“Oh Jesus
Justin…” He moans and almost loses his balance over me. He finally gets what he
was wrestling for and positions himself back over me again. “That wasn’t a very
nice thing to do Mr. Taylor. I could have fallen off the bed.”
“Who
cares if it was nice, it would have been funny.” I taunt at him. He rips the
condom open with his teeth and spits the wrapper out onto the floor.
“You’re gonna pay for that remark.” He says in the deepest, sexiest
voice I had ever heard.
“Promise?” I whisper against his ear. He hands me the condom like he used to
years and years ago. I know what he wanted.
“Put it
on me. Now.” His eyes have fire in them. He needed to
fuck me. And he needed to do it now. And I wanted him to. I wanted him to fuck
me as hard as he could.
I slip
the latex over his throbbing dick. He watches me as I do it and he licks his
lips. He loved to watch me roll the condom down his cock. I cup his balls in my
hand before I reach back up and he moans and leans his body down on mine. He
kisses me and I feel the coldness hit my hole and it makes me jump. Its something I will never get used to. He smiles against my
lips at my sudden shivering. He pushes his finger inside me to heat up the cold
liquid.
“Brrriiiaaaannnn…” I push back against his finger. I need
him deeper. I feel a second finger slide in my ass and he is fucking me now
with his hand. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had waited too long for this. I
wanted him, needed him, to fuck me into the mattress.
“Now Brian. NOW.” And with one quick movement I felt his
fingers slide out of me and his cock push into me so hard my eyes roll back into
my head. My mouth is open but I can’t force any sound out. I bring
my hands to my face and bite down on my palms. His dick pushes in and out of me
harder and faster with each thrust. My legs are bent all the way to my chest
and he pulls my hands away from my face so his lips can find mine. He is
pushing his prick so far into me and I feel it hit the spot that makes my own
dick unload its orgasm every time. He leans his forehead on mine and our sweat
mixes to become our own. He just keeps fucking me.
He never
lets up and he never lessened his pace. If anything every thrust gave him more
energy. Our eyes meet and I swear I see something in them I had never seen
before. I couldn’t put my finger on it. But it was a look I had never seen
Brian have before. It almost looked like….
Relief.
I touch
my hand to his face and push my ass deeper onto his cock. His eyes close and he
throws his head back. “Justin…” my name almost comes out as a question.
Or maybe
it was an answer.
My legs
are pushed so far up my chest my knees are almost to the side of my face. I
knew I’d be sore in the morning. My legs and my ass.
He was going a number on me. Bending me into a position I hadn’t been in nearly
10 years. And giving me a fucking I’d never forget. His balls slapped against
my ass as he fucked me, making me pant and cry out with every thrust. Brian and
I had fucked so many times, we had to have been in the triple digits, but he
had never taken me like this. And I fucking loved it. His dick felt so good I
almost couldn’t take the pleasure.
“God
you’re still tight.” His eyes are closed in intense feeling and I clench my
muscles around his cock and he bites his lower lip. “Jesus Justin.”
I know he
is close because he reaches between our intertwined bodies and starts to stroke
my cock, my pre come acting as a natural lubricant for
him to jerk faster and faster. His thrusts get more rushed and I know it will
be within seconds that he will unload inside me. He hits my prostate with the
tip of his dick and I know my own ecstasy is about to be released.
“Brian
I…Brian… ” My voice echoes through the loft and I feel every ounce of my
pleasure seep out of me onto his fingers. The sound of my voice and he feeling
of my come on his hand drives him over the edge and he screams my name over and
over. His body shudders and my ass is so tight around his sheathed dick I can
feel him unload his seed into the condom.
A few
short thrusts later he lowered my legs back down and laid his sweaty body on
top of mine. Our breathing became one breath and his fingers twirled my long
wet strands as we took in the after glow. I knew then, in that moment, there
was no way I was letting go again. I would never walk away from him again. I
was going to stay, and fight. Fight for him. Fight for us.
When
Brian finally caught his breath he rolled off of me and onto his back. He
pulled the condom off, tied it and threw it in the waste paper basket next to
the bed. He let out a loud sigh and I felt his body completely relax into the
mattress. I waited for him to say something. Anything.
But he didn’t say a word. I must have opened my mouth half a dozen times to
speak but I could find no words to express how I felt. I couldn’t just make
small talk. That would just take away from the perfection of the moment. But
saying something too deep or meaningful could also ruin it. I know how Brian
could be.
I feel
myself start to drift off to sleep when I hear his voice.
“Tell me
about him.”
“Huh?” I
roll my head to the side and look at him. He is staring at the ceiling, cheek
sucked into his mouth.
“Him.
Tell me about him.” His voice is stern this time. Why was he asking me this?
Did he honestly care?
“Um why?”
He
shrugs.
“It’s kinda a weird time to ask, don’t you think?” He won’t look
at me. He just keeps his eyes on the ceiling.
“It was
just a question Justin.”
“A pretty fucking awkward question. Especially NOW.
Hi, we just fucked for the first time in 10 years. Tell me about your ex. Are
you insane?”
He
smiles. “Seems that way huh?” I laugh at him and bump his shoulder with mine.
It was the weirdest question. But I decided to answer him. He asked after all.
“Calvin
is… he’s…great. Smart, caring, funny, talented. Hot.
But…” I’m not sure how I want to word the rest.
“But?”
Brian probes.
“But, we
weren’t right together.” I answer.
“And it
took you 4 years to realize that?” He snorts. What? How the fuck? Damn Michael.
He had such a big fucking mouth.
“Yea I
guess. I don’t know. He’s young you know? And he’s completely in love with me.
It made me feel good. Made me feel like I was young again.
He reminded me a lot of myself at 18 when we met-“
“18!
Jesus Justin!” Brian groans.
“What? What’s
your point? He was 18 when I met him. If I remember correctly that’s about the
same age I was when we met.” I roll onto my side and prop myself up onto my
elbow. I stare at him for a reaction. He winces.
“That was
different.”
“How?”
I ask.
“Cause it
was.”
“Right.”
It’s just like Brian not to really answer a question. He can ask all the
questions he wants but you cant expect him to answer
any.
“So…?”
Brian asks.
“So what?”
“So how
come after 4 years of bliss you just up and leave?” He finally rolls his head
to look at me. It takes me a moment to catch my breath. God he was so
beautiful.
“It was
time. It had run its course. I don’t love him. He deserves to be with someone
who will love him. I did the right thing.” He looks up at me and his eyes say
he understands.
“He
sounded pretty perfect though. At least for you.” He
seems annoyed at the thought.
I smirk.
“He kinda was. But he…” Don’t do it Justin. Don’t
ruin it by revealing too much. Just let it be what its
gonna be for now.
“He what?” Brian whispers. He rolls on his side to be closer to me. He is inches
from me and I can smell the dried sweat and sex radiating from his body. I
close my eyes. This is it.
“He
wasn’t you.”
There is
silence. God, why did I just do that? I just ruined it. He’s gonna tell me its time to go now. He is going to freak.
Jesus.
When I
finally open my eyes he is staring at me. There is that look again. Relief.
“Brian,
I-“
“Shhh…no.” He wraps his arm around me and
pulls me down to him. He rolls back over on his back and I lay my head on his
shoulder and press my body against his. I still fit perfectly here. It was my
spot. I had always said I loved how much taller he was than me cause if he
hadn’t been I wouldn’t have fit so perfectly against his body.
My eyes
get heavier and heavier and I know within minutes I will be asleep. His fingers
are in my hair again and it soothes me like nothing else can. This is
perfection. This is what I am sure heaven is like. At least
my own heaven. When I die I know in the afterlife I will be in Brian’s
arms, his fingers in my hair for all eternity.
“I missed
you.” His words are barely a whisper.
I smile
against his shoulder and nuzzle closer into his body. Who knows how Brian would
be in the morning. But it didn’t matter. I hadn’t come this far to give up
without a fight. I was willing to do anything to prove to him how much I wanted
and needed to be with him. It may not be easy in fact it may be the hardest fight
of my life. And he may not feel the same way. But I was willing to take that
chance.
I had a
plan. And it was in full motion. There was no turning back now.
His arms
around me, the scent of his body, the way his breath felt on my face, I could
feel it….
This was
home.
***