“You say that I pulled the world from under you. You can't go through it this time. One day, this embarrassment will fade behind me. And that day I could think of things that won't remind me. But these days it's unbearable for both of us. I'm gaining strength, trying to learn to pull my own weight. Record and play, after years of endless rewind. Yesterday wasn't half as tough as this time. This time isn't Hell, Last time, I couldn't tell. This mind wasn't well Next time, hope I'm...Going to be good, and I would - If I knew I was understood And it'll be great, just wait - Or is it too little too late?”

Chapter 15

“This is the last of it Mr. Taylor.” The driver tells me as he drops the last box onto the floor. I hand him a $50 and thank him. I close the loft door and turn around and sigh deeply at the reminisce of my life in New York. It was all just things in boxes now. Scattered paintings. Things that were.

I hadn’t told Brian I was having my things delivered to the loft. I think I could have convinced him into the idea but I didn’t want to take the chance. After the scene he made last night at Woody’s, making it clear to everyone, and me, that we were NOT together, I knew it was better I had called yesterday while he was at work and arranged the delivery.

I wasn’t giving up just yet.

His questions about Calvin the other night threw me for a loop. I didn’t know how to take all that. And then his display at Woody’s last night when the guys tried to say we were back together worried me. And now Gus. Jesus Christ Gus. Gus fucking Calvin. Brian found it amusing. I found it disturbing. Jesus. Pittsburgh is just too small of a town I guess.

To distract myself from the horror of the Gus/Calvin debacle, and to rid my sadness of Brian’s reactions last night I decided to spend the day unpacking.

The boxes of art supplies, books and CD’s I pushed to the side, stacking them against the wall. I carried boxes of my clothes and important paper work over to the bedroom. I spent a while carefully hanging up my clothes, making a separate part of his closet just for me. The way it used to be. I smile at the memories of how this closet used to look. His Hugo Boss and Armani suits hanging next to my ripped jeans and sweaters. My clothing tastes had gotten a lot better. I thank New York for that. I wore button down shirts now, some from Prada. I know he would be proud.

The silence in the loft was over bearing. But as I unpacked, and the times that had been filled my head, I could almost hear our voices bouncing off the walls.

So, are you coming or going? Or coming and then going? Or coming and staying?

I’m staying Brian. I’m staying this time.

One spoonful left. You want it?
No. It means ten more minutes on the Stairmaster.
Come on, I wanna see you lick it off the spoon.

Ice cream kiss. You should eat more you know. My mom says you’re too skinny.

I think it’s time for you to go.
It always is. Luckily, you can’t push me away. I’m on to you.

My heart aches as I remember my words. You can’t push me away this time Brian. I’m not leaving again. I’m not giving up.

You can’t control everyone’s life, even though you’d like to.
Obviously. You’re still here.
Being mean to me has never really worked. You should try another tactic.
What are you doing?
 I’m killing you with kindness. It’s proven to be a highly effective technique for achieving one’s goals.

He made me go to New York. He convinced me it was the best thing for me. The only way I was going to be successful is if I got out of this town. But for 10 years I had never felt more like a failure in my life. He tried to convince everyone last night that there was nothing going on between us. But I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to fight for us. There was so much to fight for.

Better now?
Hmm
You really freaked me out.
You?
It was like you got hit all over again.
I remembered walking away and suddenly hearing your voice call my name, to warn me. You never told me about that. You tried to save me.
I guess I forgot.
It's a good thing one of us remembered.

He may not have saved me that night, but he saved me so many times after that. In ways he may never know he did.

He took care of me. Protected me. When I was with him I was safe. Nothing could hurt me. Nothing else mattered.

I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.

I emptied the last box full of my underwear and socks and placed them on the bed to put away. The empty boxes I broke down and put by the door. I looked around and closed my eyes to take it all in. I was back. This loft was the only place that ever felt like a home to me. Thank god he didn’t end up selling it and moving somewhere else. I don’t think our reunion would have been the same.

It’s more than that. It’s where we made love for the first time.
That wasn’t love. I just gave you a rim job and fucked your brains out.
It was love to me

It was here, for the first time, he actually acknowledged I was more than just a fuck to him. More than just some kid who wouldn’t leave him alone. We were always more than that.

I thought we were partners.
We are.

I padded barefoot across the loft and when my feet hit the white shag carpet my heart almost bursts. I remember making love to Brian on this rug so many times. He must had it cleaned hundreds of times. That poor carpet guy. How grossed out he must have been shampooing out all the come stains. Ha.

A surprise awaits you.  What’s yours say?
The man you love will slowly and sensually peel off all his clothes for you, exposing his perfect body. Then he will take out his bea –u - tiful dick and you can suck it.
This is a long fortune.
There’s more.
Oh…
Next, he’ll rim your ass to get you crazy, then ram his cock up you and fuck you so hard you pass out. 
In bed.
Hm?
You’re supposed to add “in bed” to the end of that fortune.
I was thinking on the floor.
Okay.

My head and heart filled with memories of passion, laughter, dinners ate while sitting on this rug, movies watched as I laid my head on his chest. Our relationship filled every inch of this place. I couldn’t step any place in here and not be reminded. I belonged here. He had to know it too.

I head back to the bedroom and start to pull open some drawers to find some room to put my socks and underwear. The top drawer was filled with his own, neatly folded and perfect. I contemplated moving them to the side and placing mine right next to him, but I wasn’t that brave yet. I closed the top drawer and opened the bottom one. It was empty.

What?

Something caught my eye in the back of the drawer and I reached my hand out to grab it. When I pulled it out I gasped and sat down gently on the edge of the bed. It was a picture. Of us. It was the first picture that was ever taken of us. Me a young 17 year old boy beaming because I had this handsome 29-year-old man with his arms around me nibbling my ear lobe. It was the epitome of what our relationship was like then. Simple.

And he had it. He had kept it. In MY old drawer. My still empty drawer.

And as for the times when you're not around, I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were.

Should I make room in my drawers, for your drawers?

I smiled at the inkling of hope I felt. That maybe this wasn’t over. I stood up, picture in hand and headed toward the kitchen. I used a magnet and stuck the picture right to the fridge at Brian height eye level. I wanted him to remember. I wanted him to know I knew he didn’t just throw me away.

The rest of the day I cleaned up a little, checked my email, and sketched. It felt so good to draw again and actually feel something. I was lying on the couch with my sketchpad, the only light in the loft from the lamp next to me, when I hear the loft door open. I had always loved that sound. I wait. I know what is coming.

“What. The. Fuck.” I hear him mumble. I peak my eyes over the back of the couch and see him standing in the middle of the boxes I had left by the door. Oh dear.

“Oh Justin?” He finally says dropping his briefcase on top of one of the boxes. I sit up.

“Yes?” I smile at him. His eyes narrow on me across the room.

“You wanna tell me why all YOUR crap is in MY loft?” He winces at the words.

“Well…I had to put it somewhere. And since I don’t have a place of my own yet…” I didn’t want to give too much of my plan away just yet.

The plan I had made to stay here.

“Mmmm..” he mumbles and makes his way through the maze of boxes. He heads straight for the fridge as he takes off his coat. Oh god. Oh dear god.

He doesn’t even look at the fridge when he opens it. He takes out a bottle of water and closes the door with a thud. He was annoyed. I hold my breath. Then he see’s it. The picture. He is frozen. I can’t see his face. But he stands perfectly still as he looks at it. He knew I had found it. He had been caught. And he knew I wanted him to know I found it.

He finally turns around, his eyes almost closed and he clears his throat.

“Um, so I thought you were staying at Michael’s?” He asks taking a drink of water.

I get up off the couch and walk to him slowly. I lean across the counter, him on the other side. I look right into his eyes.

“Well Michael is going to have his hands full with JR coming for Christmas and all. So I thought I could just stay here.” I smirk and wait for his reaction. His face holds no emotion and he takes another long swig from the water bottle.

“And how long are you planning on staying?” His voice cracked as the words flowed from his mouth. He was nervous. He was scared. I knew the feeling. As much as I wanted him, I wanted us again, I was scared shitless. But he had to know. I had to at least try and tell him. Show him I wasn’t giving up.

“How’s forever sound?”

***

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