For you to go and take this,
to smash it apart
I've gone all this fucking way
To wind up back at
Back at the start
Chapter 16
“And then he says, ‘how’s forever sound’,” I grumbled, setting my chin on the table.
Michael gave me a pitying, sort of amused look. “Brian…”
“What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?” I sighed heavily and reached for the Beam but Michael pulled it out of my reach.
“So? What did you say?” he asked.
I scowled at him, and then at my empty glass. “Nothing.”
“So you just stood there?” He stood up and put the Beam back in the kitchen, and then came back and sat down next to me. I’d come over immediately after work, and we were now on the floor in his living room, leaning on his coffee table, and not altogether sober.
“I couldn’t think of anything to say, and then he blew me.” I mumbled.
Michael laughed. “What?!”
“Every fucking time I try to talk to him, he gives me a blowjob.” My eyes narrowed and I sat up. “I think he’s doing it on purpose.”
Michael rolled his eyes. “Yeah, maybe.”
“What the fuck does he want, Mikey? Why can’t he just fucking go away?” I didn’t care that I was whining. I was tired, and I’d had a little too much to drink, and I knew Michael would put up with it.
“Because he loves you,” Michael said, patting me on the back.
I shook my head. “There’s that word again. People sure do like to fucking throw it around.”
“Well, he does! Otherwise he never would have come back,” Michael said, leaning back against the sofa. “And you love him, too. Admit it.”
I scowled at him. “Why the fuck would I?”
He shrugged. “I dunno, same reason you always have?”
“I haven’t. I got over that temporary insanity ten fucking years ago.” I sighed and flopped back onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. “Love is bullshit.”
“You might think it’s bullshit, but you still love him,” Michael said. He crawled over to me and lay his head on my chest and wrapped an arm around me. “You always have.”
I put an arm around him and shut my eyes. This was the first time we’d been this close since we’d fucked. I hated to admit it, but I’d come to rely on Mikey’s ridiculous closeness whenever I was feeling like shit. It helped. “I don’t want to,” I mumbled.
“You don’t get a choice about who you fall in love with, Brian. It just happens. And anyway, what’s wrong with Justin? He’s a great guy.” Michael was nuzzling his face into my neck. He really was drunk.
I shrugged. “He always leaves.”
Fuck. I’d admitted it.
Michael sat up just enough to look me in the face. “What if he isn’t going to leave again?”
I glanced away. I didn’t know what to say. Prove it? There was no way to tell. I couldn’t go through that again. I just couldn’t.
“You should talk to him about it,” Michael said, lying his head back on my chest. “Tell him you’re worried about it. Tell him you don’t want him to ever leave again. Then fuck him.”
I snorted. “I don’t think so.”
“You know you’re miserable without him, and you want him. Hell, you almost married him. Why not take him back?” Michael asked. His voice was getting softer. I could tell he was falling asleep.
“Because he’ll just leave again,” I replied, shutting my eyes. I was fucking exhausted. It had been a long day, and I’d barely slept the night before, and the shots we’d just had were the last straw.
“Mm,” Michael mumbled. He was probably about to say something, but at that point, we both drifted off.
***
“What the- Michael?”
I was pretty sure that was Ben, but I was still too deep asleep to care. Fuck off, professor, I’m tired.
“Michael, wake up. Brian… come on.”
I scowled and kept my eyes shut tight. What the fuck was going on?
“Looks like they were drinking,” a female voice said.
“Shocker there,” a third voice said.
“Michael,” Ben said again.
“Wha?!”
The warm weight that had been on top of me suddenly jerked off, and I reluctantly opened my eyes.
Michael and I had fallen asleep on the floor together, and we’d woken up surrounded by Ben, Lindsay, and Melanie. Great.
“Have a nice nap?” Lindsay asked, peering down at us with an amused expression.
“Oh, shit…” Michael stood up, rubbing his eyes. “What time is it?”
Ben bit his lower lip and gave me an almost threatening look, before smiling at Michael. “It’s seven.”
“Shit,” Michael mumbled, glancing back down at me.
I glared up at all of them. “I’m tired.”
“Good to see you, too, Brian,” Melanie said, scowling down at me.
“Fuck off,” I replied, sitting up. I obviously wasn’t going to get any more sleep right now.
“Daddy!” JR shouted, running into the living room and throwing herself at Michael.
“Hey, honey!” Michael hugged her and everyone (but me) ‘aww’ed.
I stood up and ran a hand through my hair. “So, the munchers have arrived.”
Lindsay rolled her eyes and pulled me into a tight hug. “Good to see you, too, Brian.”
I grinned and hugged her back, but only for a second. “And why exactly was it such an emergency to come down now?”
Melanie gave me a disgusted look. “Gus called us and said he missed us, and he didn’t want to spend the holidays without us. You know that’s crap, he’s a fifteen year old boy, he shouldn’t be missing his mothers. So what the hell did you do to him, Brian?”
Great. Just what I wanted. I opened my mouth to say something cutting and witty back, but Michael cut us off.
“Hey, it’s great to have you here, who cares what the reason is? Now, who wants cookies?”
“Cookies?!” JR asked, eyes wide.
Ten year olds. I shook my head and watched as Michael lead JR into the kitchen to feed the poor child processed sugar.
“Well?” Lindsay asked, hands on her hips. “What happened?”
I arched an eyebrow at them. “What?”
“To Gus,” Lindsay said. “Melanie’s right, it isn’t like him to call us up like that.”
I shut my eyes and sighed. “Nothing.”
“Brian,” Melanie started, sounding pissed.
“I think you’ll see the reason if you turn around,” Ben said, sounding amused.
I opened my eyes just in time to see Sunshine walk in the front door, followed by Gus.
Great.
“Justin!” Lindsay and Melanie both squealed his name, and ran over to hug him and kiss him and cover him in disgusting girl cooties.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and glanced towards the back door. Maybe if I ran really fast…
Gus walked over and smirked at me. “Hey.”
I frowned down at him. “Sonnyboy. Where’ve you been?”
“I went to the airport with Uncle Ben,” he replied. “And we ran into Sunshine on the way back.”
My frown deepened into a scowl. Now he was calling him that?
“Brian, can I speak to you for a moment?” Ben asked, giving me this look that meant he wasn’t requesting, so much as demanding. Swell.
I followed him into the guest room, and he shut the door. He looked annoyed. No, he looked pissed.
Shit.
“Look, professor, I didn’t do anything indecent to the missus, we were just-“
“Shut the fuck up, Brian,” Ben said.
Well, fuck.
“I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now, and I’m sorry that you’re depressed or whatever the hell it is you are, but I don’t want you pulling Michael down with you.”
I frowned at him. “Who the hell is pulling him anywhere?”
“He’s just started to act like himself again, like he’s finally moving on from Debbie’s death, and then you come along and start pouring liquor down his throat until he passes out on the floor.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. He was right. “Well, tell him yourself, I’m not his fucking keeper.”
“No, you’re worse, you’re his best friend.” Ben sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Look, just…don’t start stuffing drugs up his nose. Let him deal with things in a healthy way, even if you can’t.”
What the fuck. “A healthy way? You mean like talking about it, sharing my feelings? Fuck that. None of that is going to bring Debbie back. If he wants to get stoned or drunk, that’s his fucking business, not yours.” Shit. I hadn’t meant to get so pissed.
“But this isn’t about Debbie, Brian. He’s moving on. He’s dealing with it. This is about you and Justin.” Ben’s expression softened slightly. “I know what you’ve been through, I saw it happen. Just… please don’t pull Michael down with you, if you insist on doing this self-destructive shit.”
I shut my eyes and sighed. “Fine.”
I felt Ben step closer, and when I opened my eyes, he was glaring into them. “You’re my friend, Brian, but I want you to understand one more thing.”
I raised an eyebrow at him and tried not to seem intimidated.
“If you fucking touch him again, if I find out you did anything remotely sexual with him again, I’ll rip off the one ball you’ve got left, and shove it down your throat.”
I smirked. “Gotcha,” I said. Asshole.
He stepped back and grinned at me. “Alright.” He opened the door and went back into the living room, and I waited a moment, catching my breath.
Well, he had every right to say what he’d just said. I really had fucked up with Mikey, and I’d been shocked when he didn’t kick my ass in the first place. I guess he was waiting for us to resolve our issues, before threatening my balls.
As for getting Mikey drunk and inebriated, well… I guess I could stop dragging him down that path. Ben was right. I was only getting started. Soon I’d be stoned all the time and cussing everyone out. I knew it, he knew it, even if Mikey didn’t admit it to himself. There was no reason to make him go through all that shit with me.
In fact, there was no reason to make anyone. What I should do is leave and go home, and not open the door to the loft for anyone, sons or Sunshines.
“Dad?” Gus poked his head in the room. “Mom’s yelling at Sunshine.”
I scowled at him. “Don’t fucking call him that.”
Gus shrugged.
“Why is she yelling at him?”
He shrugged again. “Wanna go listen in?”
Well, why not? I walked out into the hall and into the living room. What was going on now? Melanie, Michael, Ben, and JR were gathered in the living room, chatting away. I followed Gus to the back door, and peered through the window. Thank god for shitty insulation. We could hear everything.
“You know that’s not true, Justin!” Lindsay was saying. They were standing in the back yard, facing each other, and looking pissed.
Justin’s hands were fisted at his sides and his jaw was set. Ooh, he was being defensive. I wondered what the hell he’d done to incur Lindsay’s wrath.
“Yes, it is!” he snapped back.
“And that’s your grand plan? Drop everything, drop your relationship and your home and your art gallery and just come back here?!”
He shrugged stiffly. “Why the fuck not?”
“Because you had a life there, Justin! You can’t just leave a whole life behind on a whim!”
“That’s what I did in the
first place when I moved there! And this is my home,
this is my life! Not fucking
I glanced down at Gus, and wondered if I shouldn’t tell him to get lost. This was sort of private shit we were listening in on. Then again, I couldn’t tell him to stop if I wasn’t going to, and they were practically shouting, so it’s not like it was that private.
“And what about your boyfriend? You just left him?” Lindsay was doing that thing where she held her hands out, palms up, questioning with her entire body. “How could you do that?”
“That’s what I did to Brian,” Justin snapped back.
I winced. Gus looked up at me and arched an eyebrow. I ignored him. Too late to
get rid of him now. I guess he’d have to hear about this all somehow.
“That was for your career, Justin! And he’s the one that didn’t stay in touch. Coming back here, now… it’s suicide for your career!”
“Fuck my career! I don’t give a shit about being famous, Lindsay. I just want to be happy. If that means working at a tiny gallery with little recognition and never having my paintings sell again, fine.”
“But this isn’t about any of that, Justin. This is about Brian. We all know it is! I just don’t understand why you’d come back after ten years to be with him!”
Okay, Sunshine. Go ahead. Correct her. Tell her all about how you missed your family, your home, all that bullshit. Tell her it had nothing to do with me.
“Because I love him!”
Fuck.
I swear to god my heart skipped a beat, and it wasn’t because of happiness or some bullshit like that. No, this was just shock. Shock, horror, fear…
Gus grabbed my sleeve and yanked. “They’re coming back in, come on!”
Shit, he was right. We stepped away quickly and went to the fridge, pretending to be looting through it for food. I pulled out a beer and opened it, offering Gus a swig.
Justin burst through the door and froze, obviously wondering if we’d heard anything. I arched an eyebrow at him, trying to keep my expression blank.
Lindsay came in behind him and gaped at me. “Brian! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
I blinked and glanced at Gus, who was handing the beer back to me.
“One little sip isn’t going to hurt him,” I said, drinking some of it myself.
“What did he do now?!” Melanie yelled from the other room. She came in, followed by the whole rest of the damn family, and glared at me.
“He was giving Gus beer!” Lindsay said.
“Shit, mom, it’s just a
little beer. Kids in
I smirked. Good boy.
“Gus,” Melanie snapped. “Language.”
He folded his arms and shrugged.
“Well, that’s my cue,” I said, setting the half-drunk beer on the counter. I walked through the crowd, towards the front door. It was definitely time to make my exit. With any luck, the lesbians would keep Justin there, and I could finally have some fucking time alone. Then maybe I could think, or at least drink until I couldn’t.
“Brian,” Michael said, grabbing my arm.
I glanced at him. “What?”
He grinned. “See you.”
I sighed. “Sure.” I grabbed my coat, opened the front door, and walked out into the cold December air. The door shut behind me, and I felt just a little bit less trapped.
“Lindsay sure knows how to yell,” a voice said from behind me.
I shut my eyes and gritted my teeth. “Sunshine,” I said, turning to look at him. “You’re staying here.”
“My shit’s all at your house.” He gave me a look like I was crazy. “And where the hell would I sleep?”
Fuck. He had a point.
I gave up. Whatever. If he really wanted to sit in the loft and draw or whatever the fuck it was he did these days, so be it. I was going to go home, get drunk, and go to sleep. I turned and walked to the car, unlocking his door first.
We got in, and I started the car, and we were on the road, he spoke again.
“I think I really let her down,” he said.
I glanced at him. He was staring out the window. “Yeah, well, she expects too much.”
He frowned and looked at me. “Maybe.”
I quickly looked back at the road. “She’ll get over it. She always does.”
We didn’t say anything else, until we reached the loft.
I slid open the door, and walked to the kitchen to get a glass. I needed more to drink.
“Where did you get that?” Justin asked.
I looked up, holding the empty glass in my hand. He was staring at the painting, his painting, on the wall.
“I believe I purchased it in
He turned and walked over to me, placing a hand on my arm. “When?”
I rolled my eyes. “At the show you put it in.” Duh.
“Brian… you were at that show?” He sounded… hurt.
I set down my glass loudly
and scowled at him. “Yes. I was at the fucking show. Okay? I went all the way to
fucking
He was stunned. His eyes were wide and his lips were parted.
“Fuck,” I mumbled. Had I really drank all my Beam? I walked into the living room, looking around for it.
“But I made that piece ages after we stopped talking,” Justin said softly.
Great, now he was following me around. I spun around and glared at him. “So?!”
He shut his mouth and shrugged weakly.
I really should have kept my own fucking mouth shut, because now I could tell, I was only that much more fucked than before I’d started talking.
Hey, the closer we think we
are
Well it only got us so far
Now you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so
Hey, the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
But underneath we're not so tough
And love is not enough
***
Song: Love is Not Enough by Nine Inch Nails