“Like a fool I went and stayed too long, now Im wondering if your loves still strong. Oo baby, here I am, signed, sealed delivered, I’m yours.
Then that time I went and said goodbye, now I’m back and not ashamed to cry. Oo baby, here I am, signed, sealed delivered, I’m yours.
Here I am baby, Oh, youve
got the future in your hand. Signed, sealed delivered, I’m yours.”
Chapter 25
I drop my brush into the paint can and step back to take one final look. It was
finished. It was the first painting I had finished in over a year, and I think
it was the one I was the most proud of to date. My
inspiration, my muse, my love for painting was back. It felt good to
paint again. To let the colors and brush take control.
It had been a long time since I had felt this good about my work. That I wasn’t just painting to fill a wall on a gallery. I
was painting because I wanted to. Because I needed to.
I painted out of love.
I hear
rustling coming from the living room and I let out a loud sigh.
“Gus I
thought you said you wanted to help me with this?” I turn around to find him
sitting on the floor surrounded by stacks of CDs.
“What the
hell are you doing?” I ask.
He looks
nervously around the piles of CD’s and shakes his head.
“Um,
nothing just you know, looking at you guys’ CDs.”
“Uh huh.
Well I’m done now. So much for your paint lesson.” I
wipe my hands on my jeans and smile one more time at the painting. I was
pleased.
I begin
to pick up the drop cloth and bring my brushes to the sink so I could wash
them. Brian had told me he didn’t mind if I painted in the loft but I knew if I
left a mess or spilled paint on ANYTHING we would have another recap of
yesterday. Even though I didn’t mind how it ended. I smile to myself and finish
rinsing my brushes. I hear the stereo click on and ‘The Temptations’ fill the
loft air.
I turn
around slowly.
“What the
fuck is this?”
“I found
this CD in Dad’s collection. Mom and Ima dance to
this song all the time. I think it’s “their song”. He rolls his eyes as he says
it. Wait, Brian had this CD? My Brian?
“Weird…”
I walk toward the living room to see what other CDs Brian has that I don’t know
about. I pick up the CD case that Gus was playing.
“Greatest
Motown songs, 1950’s through the 1970’s. He really owns this CD?”
“Justin have you um-” I look at him with an eyebrow raised. Oh God
what was he asking me now?
“-Danced
with another guy?”
“I used
to dance with Brian all the time.”
“No, I
don’t mean at
“You want
to dance with him.” I finish for him.
He
blushes and nods. “So have you? Ever like, danced with
someone. A guy I mean? Like maybe my dad?”
I freeze.
Yes, Gus.
I have.
I just
don’t remember it.
FUCK.
“Yeah, I
have.” I can’t bring myself to say anything else.
“I know
how to dance…it’s just….I don’t know. I mean, when you dance with another guy
who leads?” I laugh at him and ruffle his hair.
“Do you
want me to show you how to dance?”
He turns
beat red and shakes his head. “Uhhh
no. That’s ok.”
“Come
on.” I grab his arm and take him to the middle of the shag rug in the living
room. I take the remote for the stereo and skip a few songs until I find one we
can actually dance to. I recognize the song. Stevie
Wonder. I still couldn’t believe Brian owned this CD.
“Just let
the music guide you, ok?” I wrap his hand in mine and lay my hand on his hip
gently. He looks nervous. As am I. This was Brian’s
son, but in this moment, he felt like mine. I remember dancing with my mom at
14, her teaching me the same thing I was teaching Gus right now. I felt my
heart start to beat faster.
We start
to sway to the rhythm of the music. Every time I went to go left, he tried to
twirl me right.
“Gus, I’m
leading.”
“Why
can’t I lead?”
“Cause I’m older. And I said so.”
“God,
you’re bossy.”
He
finally gives in and lets me lead. I feel him start to relax and a smile starts
to creep across his lips. He looks more and more like Brian everyday.
Out feet
found their own stride together and he kept looking down to inspect them.
“You gonna keep your eyes on your feet the whole time you dance
with your boyfriend?” I tease him.
“Ryan is
not my boyfriend.” He exclaims. “Yet.” He
smiles.
I try to
dip him and he tenses.
“Calm
down.” I say to him.
“God this
is so gay.” He laughs nervously and I try again. He allows me this time but I
barely get him to dip over my arm. He was resisting.
“Ok,
we’ll try the dip another time.” I pull him back up and let him relax again
before we start back into the twirling. His eyes were glazed over. He was
thinking.
“When did
you dance with my dad?” He asks his shoulders relaxing and letting his feet
take control again.
This time
I tense up. He senses it. He looks at me with hazel eyes.
I clear
my throat. “At my prom.”
His eyes
widen. “My dad went to a PROM!?”
Yeah,
kid, I was shocked, too when they told me.
“How was
it? Was it…well I’m sure you were beside yourself with joy.” Where did this kid
learn to talk like this?
My mind races. I didn’t want to scare Gus. I mean, the kid was just starting to
realize he was bi, and if he cared enough about this Ryan kid to want to take
him to his dance, how could I tell him about the prom and the bashing and
assholes like Chris Hobbs and shatter him? Scare him? I couldn’t. This kid was
like my own son.
But on
the other hand, I knew how Brian wanted him raised. With the
truth. And even though things like that happen, you need to stand up for
yourself and fight back and never give up.
Keep going no matter how much it hurts.
I release my hand from Gus’s and flex my gimp fingers.
No matter
how much it hurts.
Gus looks
at me curiously. “Dad… what?”
I look up
at him. “I was attacked at my prom. Brian came, danced with me, and in the
parking garage after he said goodbye to me, Chris Hobbs bashed me in the head
with a baseball bat. I lived, obviously, mostly due to Brian because he was
there and saved me, but now because of it, my hand cramps up because of the
neurological damage.”
His eyes
are soft. He looks like he may cry. He shakes his head to almost rid the
thoughts I just gave him. He swallows. And swallows again.
Then he hugs me. He lays his head on my shoulder and squeezes his arms around
his body.
“I guess
that explains a lot.”
“About
what?“ I ask him.
“About you and him. About why you are who you are to each other.” He smiles
gently. “I told you, you guys are like out of a fucking movie or something.”
I laugh
at him, pull back and put his hand in mine and we start to dance again. He
looked concerned still, but he also seemed more relaxed than before. I took my
chance and dipped him and his body bends over my arm. He giggled. Just like a
little boy.
I pulled
him back up and his smile was so bright, it may have outshined mine in that
moment.
Another
song had started to play and we were laughing and fooling so much we didn’t
even notice the last song had ended. We keep dancing and this time I let him
begin to lead. He is not too bad. I’d get him in prime dancing shape for his
dance.
The song
that played, I had heard before. Where…
Holy.
Shit.
Memories
seeped into my brain. Dancing in this same spot in the loft.
With Brian. Daphne by the stereo.
Playing this song. That’s where the CD came from.
Fuck.
My shoulders
tense and I hope Gus doesn’t notice. He doesn’t. He is too concentrated on
leading me.
You
can dance, every dance with the guy who gives you the
eye let him hold you tight…
I smile.
I don’t know why I am smiling, but I can’t stop.
Gus
notices that.
“This
song is so fucking corny. Can you imagine anyone dancing to this old crap? I
hope they don’t play it at the dance.”
“I don’t
think it’s corny.” I tell him.
“Well, I
think it’s corny. You’re the only exception. Anyone else you ask will say the
same thing. Corny.”
Suddenly
the loft door slides shut and I hear his voice. Deep but and with a hint of
sadness.
“I like
to think of it as ridiculously romantic.”
***