“Well
the key to my survival, was never in much doubt. The question was how I could
keep sane, trying to find a way out. Things were never easy for me, Peace of
mind was hard to find. And I needed a
place where I could hide, some
where I could call mine.They say that time is a
healer, and now my wounds are not the same. I rang the bell with my heart in my
mouth, I had to hear
what he'd say….”
Chapter 27
We had been sitting
outside my Father’s house for almost 20 minutes in pure silence.
Brian had driven me,
holding my hand the entire time. My hands were sweaty but he didn’t seem to
mind. At first I wasn’t sure if Brian coming with me would be such a hot idea,
but the idea of Brian NOT being with me made me even more anxious. I needed him
and he was letting me lean on him.
“Maybe I should stay
in the car.” He says quietly.
“No.” I answer
quickly. “Please come in with me.”
He just nods. I
sigh.
I know I need to go
in. But for some reason I cant get myself to open the
car door. Brian is still holding my hand.
“I couldn’t stand to
hear the crying of my
mother
And I remember when, I swore that that would be the
Last they’d see of me,
and I never went home again.”
“Ok. I’m
ready.” He gives my hand one last squeeze and we get out of the car.
He has to ring the
doorbell my hands are shaking so badly. Why is this so hard? I literally told
him off in the hospital, but that’s when I thought he was dying. But he is very
much alive and I am very much terrified.
The door opens and
my father stares at me for a moment and then his gaze falls on Brian.
“I invited you
Justin. Only you.” He says sternly.
“When you invite me,
you invite Brian. It’s a package deal. If you really want to see me and talk to
me, Brian comes inside too.”
He lets out a sigh
and steps aside so Brian and I can come inside. I had been here before. And it
still felt as cold as it did over 10 years ago.
He motions for us to
go into the living room and Brian and I sit on the couch and he grabs my hand
immediately. My father sits in his recliner and folds his hands across his lap.
Smug bastard.
“He
sat me down to talk to me, He looked me straight in
the eyes…”
“Justin, I wanted to
see you because I wanted you to know that I gave a lot of though to what you
said in the hospital.” He looks almost scared.
I nod.
“You were right. You
have become a successful man. And I know nothing about your life. But I have to
remind you, you chose that path with us just as much as I did. You made the
choice not to be a part of our lives when you told us you were never coming
home again. And you decided to have your life be with him.” He sends daggers
Brian’s way with his eyes. Brian says nothing.
“He said: You’re no son, you're no son of mine,
You’re no son, you're no son of mine. You walked out, you left us behind.
And you're no son, no son of mine.”
“But Mom is a part
of my life Dad. She accepted me for who I was, you didn’t.” I’m starting to
breath heavier. Brian squeezes my hand.
“Just I just don’t
get it! And him? I mean he’s more than 10 years older
than you. You still have your whole life ahead of you. I just don’t get it.”
“What is there to
get Dad? I’m gay.” He cringes at the word. “I’m gay Dad. And I love Brian. I
tried to be without him. I really did. I tried to have another
relationships, a couple times. It didn’t work. It always comes back to
him. This is it. This is my life. This is who I am going to be with. And your right. I do have my whole life ahead of me. I’m going
back to school. I’m going to teach. Right here in
“He doesn’t even
love you Justin!”
“Who said I didn’t?”
Brian finally speaks, his eyes dead set on my father’s.
I smirk at Brian.
It’s the closest he will get to actually saying it.
“Well do you? I mean
look what your doing to my son. He goes to
“I wouldn’t be here
if I didn’t Craig.” Is all Brian says. I smile at my
father.
My fathers face
softens and I feel myself start to relax.
“I want you a part
of my life Dad. And I think you want that too. But with that you have to accept
everything that I am. And that includes who I love and who I am going to spend
my life with.”
He looks between
Brian and I and sighs. “So this is it huh? After all this time, it still ends
up back to the two of you.”
“Yes Dad.”
He smiles and turns
his attention to Brian. “I knew you were trouble from the first time I saw you.
But I guess even with all my attempts to get rid of you, I guess I’m stuck with
you now.”
Brian’s face remains
stone cold. “I guess you are Craig.”
I look at Brian
confused. My dad is trying here, even making a joke, and Brian wants nothing to
do with it.
My father stands and
walks over to us on the couch. He sticks his hand out toward Brian. He is
offering his hand to shake. A sign of acceptance. A sign of decency. A sign of respect.
Brian won’t look up.
He doesn’t even acknowledge my father standing there.
Brian stands and
brushes past my father.
“I’ll be in the car
Justin. Nice to see you Craig.” Without another look
our way, Brian is out the front door.
I sit there for a
long time staring after him. I look at my father who is shaking his head.
“He is a rude man.”
My father tells me.
“He is protective of
me Dad. This isn’t easy for either of us. You practically tried to kill him.
And all the shit you’ve put me through? I know your
trying and I appreciate that, but Brian doesn’t forgive and forget as easy I
can.” My father nods, like he almost understands.
We speak for a few
more minutes and he hugs me goodbye before I leave. He tells me he would like
to have dinner with me after the New Year. He tells me to bring Brian.
I get in the car and
Brian starts it and pulls away without saying a word to me. We drive in silence
all the way home. He is thinking. I can tell. His forehead is wrinkled and he
has a pained look on his face. I reach out for his hand, almost afraid he wont take it. But he does, without hesitation. His fingers
are soft and he wraps them around mine, holding on tight.
Don’t worry Brian. I
told you, I’m not going anywhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Ohhhh god….BRIAN!” I
unload my seed into his mouth and down his throat. He sucks and licks all of my
come out of me and when he finally pulls my cock out of his mouth, it is clean.
My head falls back on the pillow and I try to steady my breathing. He climbs up
my body, trailing soft kisses on my skin until he reaches my lips. He kisses
me, deep and hard and I taste myself on his tongue. He loves to do that. He
loves to make me taste myself.
“That was so fucking
hot. What did I do to receive such greatness?” I ask him as he rolls over onto
his back. I rub the back of my hand on his naked thigh.
He shrugs and
fumbles for a cigarette on the bedside table. He lights it and inhales slowly. “Figured you needed a release after today.” He exhales as he
speaks.
“Me? You seemed more
worked up than me.” I don’t look at him. I’m staring at the ceiling. He doesn’t
say anything. The only sound I hear from his is his inhaling and exhaling of
nicotine.
“He tried to shake
your hand to let you know he was accepting us. Accepting
you.”
He snorts.
“He is trying
Brian.”
“A handshake isn’t
going to make up for what he did to me. Or you.”
This time I don’t
say anything. He was right. But Brian held onto things. He let things live
inside him and build a home there. He never forgets. And he never forgives.
There was so much about him, his past, his own parents, that
I know nothing about. Things I would never dare ask. Things that made him the
way he was. Things that made him be the way he was
toward my father today. Things that even now, 15 years later, still are the
reason he keeps me at a distance.
“Tell me about your
parents.” I cringe as soon as I say it. I wait for the yelling. I wait for the
anger.
“No.”
I turn my head to
look at him. He is staring straight up, expressionless.
“I want to know
about your past Brian. I want to know everything. Good and bad. Happy or sad-“
“Enough
Justin. Stop with the lesbionic
bullshit.” Here’s the anger.
“Brian you have to
let me in. You can’t keep me at a distance forever. I came back. I’m here. I’m
not going anywhere. I’ve given everything I have to you. Why cant
you just do this one thing for me Brian?”
He is tense. He is
rolling his tongue on the inside of his cheek. His eyes are closed.
“Some things aren’t
worth knowing Justin. It doesn’t matter if I tell you. It won’t change
anything. I’ll still be who I am. Talking to you about my feelings won’t do
anything except piss me off, so drop it ok?” He puts out the cigarette in the
ashtray and rolls over to face me.
“You tired?” He
asks. I nod. It’s so like him just to check out of a conversation like that. Bastard.
He pulls me to him
and wraps his arms around me. He nuzzles his nose into my hair. He has been
doing that a lot lately. His breathing is slowing down and I know he is
starting to drift off to sleep.
“ I love
you Brian. I wish you would tell me. I wish you would tell me things.” I
whisper to him. I am certain he is asleep. He probably didn’t even hear me. I
snuggle up closer to him against his chest and take in his scent. God he is so
beautiful.
My body gets heavier
and he nuzzles even closer to my hair and breaths me in. As I drift to sleep I
hear him whisper to me ever so gently against my ear.
“Someday
Sunshine. Someday.”
***