“Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide, I’ll take it by your side. Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide, I’ll take it by your side. And every time you vent your spleen, I seem to lose the power of speech. You grow me like an evergreen, You never see the lonely me at all. I...Take the plan, spin it sideways. I…Fall. Without you, I'm nothing. Without you, I'm nothing. Without you, I'm nothing.”
Chapter 29
There have been two things in my life that has always come easily. One is painting. The second is loving Brian. Both just flow out of me with ease and nothing else in the world matters.
So when I started the painting for Mr. Morimoto I knew it wouldn’t take me long. The theme, “Kondo”, was a symbol for his relationship just as it was for Brian’s and mine. This time. This time things would be different. This time was forever. This time I’m not letting go. This time I’m not leaving him again.
So because painting and loving Brian was
so easy for me, it took me 3 hours to complete Mr. Morimoto’s painting. I poured
all the love, lust and trust I had for Brian into this painting.
Our commitment. Our respect. Our hopes and dreams. Our past and future. I was so honored that Morimoto even asked me to do this painting. I was worried at first I wouldn’t be able to express what he wanted in the painting. He had admired and loved the painting he had seen in Brian’s office so I tried to capture the same feeling I had when I painted that so I could paint his. And it worked. I have the same feelings now that I did then. They never left me. It jut grew with time. After all, Brian was right. It was only time.
I hear the loft door open and my stomach does flip-flops. It’s the same reaction I always had, even 10 years ago, when Brian used to come home. I would hear that door slide open and it was the best part of the day. I had waited all day for him to come home and see the painting. I was so proud of it, proud of us.
I practically skip over to him and throw my arms around him as he hangs up his coat.
“Hi!” I kiss him hungrily on the mouth. He barely kisses me back.
“Hey.” He brushes past me and heads toward the kitchen. What the fuck was his problem?
“How was work?”
“Same shit different day.” What the hell?
“I finished the painting.” I say my mood getting less and less happy as the seconds pass.
“Mmmm.” He opens a bottle of water and takes a drink.
“What the fuck is your problem?” I demand.
His eyes get wide for a moment, shocked at my outburst, but then his face twists in the Brian Kinney ‘I don’t give a shit’ face I had grown to know all too well.
He shrugs. He begins to undo his tie and walks slowly toward the bedroom, right past the painting. He doesn’t even look at it.
“Are you mad that I’m doing the painting?” My voice is gentle. I wanted him to talk to me so I decided getting angry wasn’t the best way to achieve my goal.
“Why would I be mad?” He asks not turning to look at me and hanging up his suit jacket.
Fine. Forget it. If he wants to be in a fucking mood, let him be. I’m not going to let him ruin….
“Unless you count the reason that you’re doing it again.”
I stopped dead in my tracks on the way back to my painting.
“Doing what?” I ask.
There is silence for a long time and I feel him walk up behind me. I feel his breath on my ear and goose bumps go up my spine.
“What you always do.” He whispers. He walks back to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of beam. Fuck.
“And what is it that I always do Brian?”
He downs his drink with one gulp and slams the glass down on the counter. I jump at the sound, astonished it didn’t shatter into a million tiny pieces.
“Leave.”
My heart stops and my mouth goes dry. What the fuck was he talking about?
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You know damn well what I’m talking about! Your art Justin. Your second big break. So go. Go knock them dead in Japan Sunshine. Get your shit and get the fuck out.”
A lump lodges in my throat and I feel myself start to hyperventilate. No. Not again.
“Brian, I-I-I’m not going to
“Why the fuck wouldn’t you go? You’re better off.” His face is starting to turn red. I could see the anger in his eyes.
Stay calm Justin. This is what he does. Just stay the fuck calm.
“Brian, I told you-“
“You’re not leaving. This is forever. Right. I’ve heard that before.” His words cut through me like a knife.
“I’m staying in Pittsburgh Brian.” My voice is calm even though I am sweating and my heart is racing.
“Why the fuck would you want
to stay in
I cringe.
“Because I want to be with you.” It’s almost a whisper.
“You don’t sound so sure now Justin.” He is inches from my face, eyes narrowed on me.
Now I’m mad. I shove him backwards as hard as I can. He stumbles and almost falls.
“I am sure you fucking asshole. I have never been so sure of anything in my fucking life. Look at the painting.” He stands still. “I said fucking look at it!”
He sighs and turns slowly and looks at my painting. He raises an eyebrow and turns his head back to me.
“Do you see it?”
He nods.
“No do you really see it?” I demand.
“What exactly am I supposed to be seeing Justin?”
“Us! Kondo. This time.” He snorts and goes to pour himself another glass of beam.
“This time I’m staying.”
He snorts again and downs his drink. I can’t take anymore. I’m so tired. I head toward the bedroom. I was going to shower and hopefully when I got out he would be calmed down.
"Why the fuck did you even come back?! Can't you see what a fucking mess you make me?! It's fucking stupid! I can't go through this shit again!"
I turn slowly around to him. Don’t cry Justin. Stay calm.
“I came back to be with you. I spent 10 years of my life without you and I barely made it. I know I fucked up Brian. I know I hurt you. I live with that reality everyday. I won’t leave you again. I can’t. I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.” He won’t look at me. He is staring down at the counter.
“You are in every piece of art I do. Every hope and dream I have for myself, you are right there with me. Without you…” My throat tightens and I feel tears stinging in my eyes.
“…Without you I’m nothing.”
“Why? Why would you want to be with ME?” He is broken. I never knew until this moment how little of an ego he really had.
“Cause. Your everything I have ever wanted. Everything I never even knew I wanted. You’re my everything. And I love you.”
He finally looks up at me.
“You’re a fucking idiot. I’m fucked up Justin. You’re better off…without me.”
I shake my head. “Actually I’m not. If you’re fucked up, I’m fucked up too.” I walk to him and put my hand on his arm. His body relaxes.
“I can’t lose you again.” He whispers.
I smile. “Try as you might Brian Kinney you’re not getting rid of me. You’re stuck with me. Forever.”
He turns his head and stares over my shoulder at the painting.
“This time.” He says. I nod and lean into him.
“This time. “ I whisper.
I wrap my arms around his waist. “Brian…”
“Jesus Christ Sunshine.” He pulls me to him and kisses me. His lips engulf mine, his tongue making a home in my mouth. His hands caress my body. His fingers tangle through my hair pushing my mouth into his harder.
“Brian…” I moan against his mouth. He kisses me harder, breathing into me all his senses. I needed to show him. I needed him to finally realize.
“I’m yours Brian. All yours.” He groans and pulls my paint-stained shirt up and over my head. He traces soft kisses on my neck and shoulders. I unbutton his shirt and slowly lower it down over his muscular shoulders. His tanned body glistens with the beginning of sweat. He gets hotter everyday.
“Show me I’m yours.” I whisper. He pulls back and looks deep into my eyes. Hazel meets blue. They create the most vibrant color when they are locked together.
“Tell me.” He says as he pushes me backwards toward the bedroom. I know what he wants to hear. I know what he wants. I’ll tell him anything. I’ll tell him every second of everyday if he just touches me this way.
“I’m yours Brian. All of me. Forever.” He lays me down gently on the bed and brushes his lips to mine. His hands wash over my body so gently.
“Mine.” He whispers.
I nod into him and devour his mouth. He slowly peels the rest of my clothes off and strips off slowly the rest of his clothing. He kneels above me, running his hands over my body. He doesn’t take his eyes off mine. His face is full of emotion. So many emotions. Some I can pin point and some I cant. I see lust. I see fear. And as a small smirk creases his face, I see the emotion I had waited 10 years to see.
Love.
I reach my hand up and touch his face. His eyes close and he nuzzles his cheek into my hand.
“I love you.” I tell him. He nods into my hand. “Make love to me Brian. Take me.” His eyes open and he lays his body on mine. He kissed and touched me for what seemed like hours. His hands touched every inch of my skin. I had never felt so close to him.
He lifts my legs and I wrap them around his waist. I love when he fucks me like this. He knows I like to watch his face as he enters me. And even though he would never admit it, it’s his favorite position too.
He sheathes and lubes his cock and with the excess on his fingers he enters me. I squeeze my eyes shut and moan his name. He knows just how to touch me. He knows my body better than I do. I open my eyes and he is staring at me, mouth half open.
“Justin…” He wants to tell me. He wants to utter those words to me. But I know he won’t. He may never again. He doesn’t have to say it though. I can feel it.
His fingers leave me and I suck in my breath at the loss. I feel the tip of his cock at my entrance and I let out my breath slowly. Our eyes are locked and I try to tell him through my blue eyes how I feel. What I want. ‘I want you inside me’ I tell him with my eyes. He hears me.
He enters me slowly and gently. Even after all the times he has been inside me, my hole is still tight around his 9-inch cock. I had to admit even though I was away from him for 10 years; I never let anyone fuck me. It didn’t feel right to have anyone else inside me but Brian.
“Brian…” I say as he thrusts slowly inside me. He looks down at me. He is listening.
“No one…I never let anyone…” It’s hard for me to get the words out. In a way I was embarrassed. Who knows how many men he had fucked while I was gone. He may think it was pathetic I didn’t have anyone else’s dick inside me in 10 years.
His eyes glisten over and I realize he knows what I am saying. His face softens and he leans down and kisses me gently. He thrusts harder into me, and leans his forehead on mine.
“Mine. All mine.” He whispers into me.
He understands. And I give myself to him.
He makes love to me for hours. He would come, put on another condom and enter me again. I kept him hard with every moan, every whisper of I love you. Every time I came I screamed his name. It just made him harder and come again and again.
He rolls off me and lies next to me after his last orgasm. We are both exhausted, physically and emotionally.
He discards the last used condom and snuggles up close to me. I couldn’t stop smiling.
“Stop grinning.” He says smacking my ass lightly.
“I cant. Its permanent.”
“Well I guess there are worse things than seeing you smile.” He kisses my cheek lightly.
“I can’t believe its fucking new years already again.” I say.
He is silent for a minute and I know it means he is thinking. That is always dangerous.
“And this year your back in good old
I roll my head and look at him. “It was ok. The rush was nice. All the buzz around this time of the year. Christmas and New Years. But...” I cuddle up closer to him. “…I could never really get into it.”
“Why’s that?” He asks rolling his tongue in his cheek.
“Cause I knew the next year would be exactly the same.” He turns his head and looks in my eyes. He purses his lips together.
“I wouldn’t be here. With you.” I kiss him gently and he smiles against my lips.
“So Sunshine, what do you want to for New Years now that your back?” He asks rolling over and running his fingers through my sweat drenched hair.
I smile.
“I want to go to
I feel his lips and hot breath on my ear and I close my eyes at the tingles that shoot through my body.
“You must be able to read minds, Sunshine. That’s exactly what I had in mind.”
***