Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful. – Buddha

Everything happened so fast.

I remember standing there, having just blurted it out, and Justin was staring at me, and there was a long silence, and I didn’t know how to explain what I’d just said to him since I couldn’t explain it to myself.

Then the phone rang.

We ignored it. We stood there, staring at each other, me in my fucking suit and him looking freshly fucked, and those fucking flowers on the table, and I was just starting to decide what I was going to say to him, when Gus walked in the room.

He was pale. “It’s Uncle Ben,” he said.

That was all he had to say. I took the phone from him, and Michael was on the other end, and he was crying.

“He’s in the hospital,” Michael managed to say.

“I’m leaving now,” I replied.

I didn’t have to explain anything to Justin, the look on his face meant he already knew. I went upstairs and changed quickly, and we drove to the hospital. Gus insisted on coming. I didn’t have the energy to argue. It took a half an hour to get to the hospital. It should have taken at least forty-five minutes. No one complained about my speeding.

When we got there, Michael was sitting in the hall, outside Ben’s room. All I could do was hug him. Michael was pale and his eyes were red and when I held him he trembled. But all I could do was hug him. I couldn’t fix it.

“Is there any word?” I asked.

He shook his head. “He just passed out,” he said. ”First he had a fever, and then he just… passed out. There hasn’t been a change…” His voice was strained as he tried not to sob.

“Should we call anyone?” Justin asked softly from behind me.

Michael shook his head and buried his face in my shoulder. “I already called Hunter. He’ll be here tomorrow night.”

Debbie would have been here. Debbie would have been here first thing, and held Mikey’s hand, and made sure that he wasn’t alone.

But Debbie was gone. Debbie was dead.

“What about the girls?” Justin asked.

Michael lifted his head and stared at Justin over my shoulder. “I haven’t yet…”

“I’ll call them,” Justin said.

“Fuck,” Michael whispered, burying his face in my shoulder. “He was fine just this morning.”

I hugged him tighter. He didn’t need this. Fuck, but he didn’t need this. I wanted to tell him everything would be okay. I wanted to promise him Ben would be fine. I couldn’t. He might not be.

“I’ll stay with you,” I said.

Michael sniffled and I realized distantly that he was probably getting snot all over my shirt. I didn’t care. “No, you have to work-“

“Fuck work,” I replied. “I’m staying.” I pulled away from him enough to glance over my shoulder at Justin.

He just nodded.

“But… your birthday,” Michael mumbled, forcing a grin.

Fuck. That’s right. It was still Justin’s birthday. I wondered what I should do.

But Justin quickly stepped over and put a hand on Michael’s shoulder. “It’s fine.” He looked at me. “I’ll take Gus home soon. But…”

I nodded. We needed to talk. I released Michael and glanced at Gus, who came over and hugged him instead. At times like this, Michael needed to be held.

And fuck, what about Gus? Ben was “Uncle Ben” to him, and “Dad” to Gus’ sister. Gus was probably freaking out, too.

I followed Justin down the hall and around the corner to get some privacy. I ran a hand through my hair and wished not for the first time that you could smoke in hospitals. “Justin-“ I started to say.

He held his hands up. “Don’t. This is more important. Ben is family, and he’s in there and he…” He winced and shook his head. “You need to stay. Michael needs you.”

There he went again, reminding me what a fucking strong, incredible, selfless person he was. I felt like an asshole. “About earlier,” I started to say.

“It’s okay,” he replied. “We’ll talk about it later.”

I nodded and put a hand on the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss. I hoped that it could show him how I felt. How fucking scary it was that Ben was in there, and might be dying, and how fucking scary it was to see Michael like this, and how I’d been too close to death too many times in my fucking life.

I think he understood, because he put his arms around me and when the kiss broke, he told me he loved me.

“You too,” I said. I couldn’t do more than that. If I said it, I’d break. I had to keep the walls up, keep strong, for Mikey.

Justin understood. He always did. He smiled and kissed me again. Then we all sat down outside Ben’s room. Justin was on one side of me, holding my hand, and Michael on the other, his head on my shoulder. Doctors kept entering and leaving Ben’s room, but they didn’t tell us anything useful.

It was pneumonia, they said. Fucking pneumonia. It was moving fast, and he was hooked up to machines just so he could breathe. He was unconscious, and showing no sign of waking up. Weren’t the drugs supposed to keep him from catching shit like pneumonia? I could hear Ben himself explaining it to Hunter. “The drugs don’t always work like they’re supposed to.”

At 1 AM, when there was still no change, Justin took Gus home. I hugged Gus, and kissed Justin, and they left.

Then I sat with Mikey, while the doctors went in and out of Ben’s room, all night long, waiting for a change.

***

At 7 AM I called Cynthia to let her know I wouldn’t be coming to work. She started to give me crap about missing meetings, until I told her why. Then she said she’d take care of it. I really should give her another raise.

Ted and Emmet showed up a little while after that. Cynthia had told Theodore, and he’d told Emmet, and here they were.

“Why didn’t you call us, sweetie?” Emmet asked, hugging Michael.

“Sorry, I didn’t… I just…” Michael tried to say.

Ted put a hand on Michael’s back and gave me a worried look. “It’s fine, Michael. We’re here, now.”

“They don’t know if he’s going to make it,” Michael choked out, trying not to cry. I didn’t know how he was managing. If it had been Justin –

Fuck. Justin.

Michael was occupied by Emmet and Thedore, so I stepped away and called Justin on my cel phone. He answered immediately.

”Is there any change?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “Nothing.”

“Fuck,” he said softly.

“Do you have time to bring me a change of clothes?” I asked.

“You’re not coming home?” He sounded upset. I winced.

“It’s either stay, or leave him in Emmet’s capable hands,” I replied. Fuck. That was supposed to be funny. Only it didn’t sound it.

“You have to rest,” he said softly.

“I’ll rest when Mikey can rest,” I replied. “He needs me.”

There was a pause before Justin responded. “You’re a good friend.”

“He’s a better one,” I replied.

“I’ll be there in a couple of hours. Do you need anything else?” he asked.

I sighed. “Just to see you.”

I could tell that he was grinning just a little after that. “I miss you, too.”

I hung up and returned to Michael’s side, and listened as he told Ted and Emmet everything he knew, which wasn’t much.

“Do you need anything?” Emmet asked.

Michael shook his head.

“I’ll go to the diner, get some lemon bars,” Emmet said. “Those always help in a crisis.”

“Why don’t you go to my place and catch a nap?” Ted asked Michael.

Mikey just shook his head.

Ted shrugged at me. “I’ll cover for you,” he said.

I nodded. “Call me if anything comes up.”

“If you want to go to my place to take a nap, or get a shower, or anything, Michael has a key,” he said.

“Thanks, Theodore, but I’ll be staying here,” I said.

“I know,” he replied. “But I have to offer.”

Ted and Emmet left, and Michael called the munchers. I sat and listened as he finally spoke to JR himself, and reassured her that dad was going to be okay, and not to cry anymore.

I hated that shit. Lying to kids like that is bullshit. What if Ben died? How would he explain that to a little girl? Then I realized that he wasn’t saying it for her. He was saying it for himself. So I kept my mouth shut.

The rest of the day was broken up by visitors. After Michael cried for an hour, Emmet brought lemon bars and meatloaf. After Michael held my hand so tightly it hurt, Justin brought me a change of clothes. After Michael drank another cup of coffee just to stay awake, Blake came by with Ted and brought us dinner. After Michael told me that he and Ben had been planning a vacation to the country next week, and I heard the pain in his voice, knowing that it wouldn’t happen now, and might not ever, Lindsay and Melanie called again, to check in. Every heart-wrenching, painful fucking moment blurred into the other, until the only way I could tell time was passing was by our visitors.

When Lindsay asked what I was going to do if Ben didn’t wake up tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day, I told her I’d do what Mikey did. If Mikey wanted to stay and sit here, I’d sit with him. She gave me some crap about needing rest and what about Kinnetik and Justin, and I reminded her that a long time ago, he’d sat with me. Then she shut up.

At 10 Mikey fell asleep, his head in my lap. I tried to stay awake, but I must have passed out, because a nurse woke us up four hours later.

“He’s not out of the woods yet, but he’s awake,” she said. I called everyone and let them know, while they moved Ben to a new room in a less critical ward.

Ben wasn’t allowed visitors yet, besides Michael and Hunter, who arrived shortly after Ben was in his new room.

After a teary reunion, complete with medical masks to keep Ben from catching anything else, Michael hugged me and told me to go home to Justin and get some sleep. I promised him I’d be back the next day. Ben may have been awake, but his fight was just starting if he was going to survive.

When I got home, Gus was already in bed. Justin had told him the good news when I’d called, and he’d collapsed almost immediately. The poor kid had barely slept since the night before. I knew the feeling.

Justin helped me undress, and I kissed him, slow and deep. I wanted to fuck him. I wanted to kiss him, and suck him, and be inside him, and feel alive, but I was too fucking tired. I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow.