"The present contains nothing more than the past, and what is found in the effect was already the cause."--Henri Bergson

Chapter 6

It had been 6 days. 6 days since Ben had been admitted into the hospital. 6 days since my 33^rd birthday. 6 days since I had spent more than 5 hours with Brian. And those 5 hours were spent sleeping next to him in our bed. He was next to me, warm and inviting. But I had never felt more alone.

I spent those 6 days taking Gus to and from school. Painting and going to classes. Doing homework in between laundry and making dinner. Helping Gus with his homework and putting the dishes in the dishwasher before heading to bed myself. Alone.

Brian had been spending all of his time when he wasn’t at Kinnetik, with Michael at the hospital. I understood. I really did. Michael was his best friend. His link to his past. In a lot of ways, Michael was more important to Brian than me. I had been to the hospital a few times.  I hugged Michael and sat with Brian and held his hand. Made him eat because I knew he hadn’t in days. And it was always the same. Ben was out of his coma, but his fever was still 103 and he couldn’t breathe without a respirator. They weren’t sure he was going to make it. This might be it.

Michael cried all the time. Every time I had been there in those 6 days he was crying. And Brian was hugging him. I felt invisible. As selfish and twat-like as that sounds I did. I felt like how I used to feel 15 years ago. It was the Brian and Mikey show. And I was an outsider. I know it sounds ridiculous. In my head I’m screaming, “How could you be so insensitive? Ben is DYING! Michael is YOUR friend!” But in my heart all I can feel is this unsettling ache. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. But leave it to a kid to make me realize.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Gus said to me tonight at dinner as I poked at my salmon. I looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh?”

He finished chewing and nodded. “Uh, Huh. You think he’s gonna fuck him again.”

I nearly choked to death on my rice and I had to take a large gulp of my wine before I could answer.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

He gave me a weird look.

“Dad. You think he’s going to fuck Uncle Mikey again.” He told me matter of factly.

“No, I don’t.” I sipped my wine. I had a funny feeling I was going to drink the whole bottle tonight.

Gus laughed. “Listen, I may be 15 but I’m not stupid. I know you. Better than you think I do. And I also know my Dad.”

I looked at him, pushed my plate away and folded my hands on the table.

“Fine, Dr. Gus. Tell me your diagnosis.”

He smirked. “You think because Dad is spending all this time with Uncle Mikey because of Uncle Ben they are going to fuck again. Because the LAST time they did was when Grandma died. You think the pain brings them together.” He popped bread into his mouth and chewed with a smug look on his face.

That little shit.

He was right.

I got up quickly and started to clear the table.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I said quietly.

“Of course not. But just…do me a favor, ok?”

I looked at him from across the counter as I loaded the dishwasher.

“Don’t do that thing you do where you hide your feelings so you guys don’t fight. If you’re mad, tell him. If you’re jealous tell him. Don’t bury it and then have it come out 2 years from now and have it end up being a fight about everything and nothing all at once.” His eyes were pleading and I realized in that moment how much Gus needed me and Brian. How I had no idea what he had gone through at Mel and Lind’s but now, the pieces were starting to make the puzzle whole.

“Ok.” Is all I answered.

~~~

To say I was in utter shock when Brian came in the door at 8:30 that night would be an understatement. It was a whole 5 hours earlier than he normally comes home. Usually he’s quiet as he comes into the bedroom at 1am, taking off his clothes in the dark and slowly and gently getting into to bed so he doesn’t wake me. No need, Brian. I’m always awake. He touches my back and kisses me in between my shoulder blades on those nights. I stay still. I’m not sure what hurts worse. Him touching me or not touching me.

But tonight he came in and immediately went for the bottle of beam in his office. Gus looked at me, knowing tonight isn’t a good night to be his normal sarcastic and witty self and headed upstairs. I stood in the doorway of his office and lean against the doorframe.

“Nice to see you too.” I mumbled.

He turned to me, swallowing a shot and I’m not sure what I saw more of in his eyes. Guilt? Anger? Hurt? Resentment? They all flooded his face and I winced at the emotions.

“Did you want something?” he asked.

“Yeah. I think we should talk.”

He sighed loudly. “Not tonight, Justin. I’m not in the mood.”

“Brian, we need to talk about this. We haven’t spoken one word about what you said…..”

“Did you fucking hear what I said!? I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk. About. It. NOW.” He abandoned the glass and started drinking right from the bottle.

“How’s Ben?” I asked.

He tensed. “No change.”

I nodded and slowly walked to him. He tensed more. It made me sick to my stomach. I stopped.

“You don’t even want me near you now?” My voice shook.

He wouldn’t even look at me.

“I want you to know something. And I don’t care if you don’t want to hear it right now. I need to tell you.” My voice was soft. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to hold him. But I didn’t dare. We were teetering on the edge.

I continued. “I didn’t have sex with that model the night of my birthday. We didn’t fuck. He sucked me off in the bathroom. That’s it.”

I saw his knuckles go white around his bottle of beam. His breathing got heavier.

“Why the fuck would you think I’d give a flying fuck about that?” His voice cracked.

“You know why.”

He snorted. “Well I don’t. You can do whatever you want Justin. We aren’t monogamous. I never said we were and I’m not going to say we are. Because we aren’t.”

“But you said….” You wanted to scream. He said he didn’t want anyone else touching you. He said it. He stood right in front of you and FINALLY said the words you had wanted him to say for 15 years. That he was jealous. That he wanted to be the only one I was with. I always knew it. But he had finally said it.

“I was drunk.” He walked to the large window and stared out into the darkness.

And that is when I lost it. That is when everything I had been keeping inside for 15 fucking years poured out of me, through tears and words.

“Were you drunk when you fucked Michael?” I demanded.

He whirled around. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

“I asked if you were DRUNK when you FUCKED Michael?” I was in his face now, shaking.

This is what Gus was talking about. I had no idea what we were fighting about. Nothing. And everything all at once.

He didn’t answer me, he just glared.

“Did you take his pain away Brian? Did you make him forget?” I felt sick to my stomach and I was shaking so bad my voice was quivering.

“You wanna know if I’m fucking him?” His voice was monotone. He actually looked calm for a minute.

“Well it would make sense since you haven’t touched me in a week. Since you’re never home.” I was being mean. I was being unreasonable. I know this. But at that moment, I didn’t care.

He grabbed me by my shoulders and shoved me against the wall. He was inches from my face. I could feel his breathe on my lips and he was looking at me with the one emotion I fear the most. Disgust. I’d seen this look only one other time before. 13 years ago. On one fateful night where he told me through kisses and gropes and a throw to the floor that he knew. He knew the truth.

He brought his lips into his mouth and I waited. I waited for the explosion.

But it doesn’t come. When he finally spoke his voice was calm and he put his hand on the side of my face.

“I’m not the one who cheats, Sunshine. YOU are.”

***

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