“Secrets are made to be found out
in time.
You’re such an ASSHOLE. You
haven’t called, you haven’t checked on us at all! Do you know how bad off dad is?! Do you have any idea how he feels?! I HATE
YOU. Uncle Ben’s going to be okay. You should go see him, at least. That is, if
you give a shit about ANYONE but yourself!
I shut my cell phone and lean
against the red bricks of the Education building. I let out my breath that I
had been holding since I saw that Gus had called and retrieved my voicemails.
He hates me.
I don’t blame him.
And Brian was bad off? Well, that
makes two of us. I could barely get myself up in the morning to go to school. I
spent most of my nights in front of Daphne’s TV, doing homework, eating junk
food and watching reality shows. What had my life come to?
I guess that is what it’s like to
be without Brian.
I fucking hated it.
God, I know I was wrong. I know I
shouldn’t have left. I promised Brian. Time after time.
I won’t leave. I promise. I’m staying this time.
Leave it to me to break a promise.
But that’s what I do, right? I
always do this. No wonder Brian was so scared when I first came back. He
expected me to go again.
And I did.
I am an asshole. Gus is right. I
don’t deserve Brian. I don’t deserve Gus. This family I always wanted and I
finally got, I destroyed.
I left.
I broke my promise.
And now it was too late. How do I
fix this? Brian won’t take me back now. Why should he?
But god he hurt me. Every horrible
thing I ever felt about myself he unleashed.
That I was the
cheater.
That I was a
slut.
No matter what anyone says, I’m
not sure I can ever forget those things.
But Ben was going to be ok. And
right now, in the greater scheme of things, that’s all that really mattered. So
after class I decided to go to the hospital. I hadn’t been there all week and
as much as I was afraid of running into Brian or having everyone ask me a
million and one questions, I needed to see Ben. He was my friend. Michael was
my friend.
And I was a schmuck.
The first person I saw when I
arrived at the hospital was Ted. His eyes got wide with concern and he rushed
to me.
“Justin! Jesus…are
you ok?” He asked, frantic.
“Yea, Ted. I’m fine.” My voice was
low and unconvincing.
“Brian’s been… really…” He must
really be bad off. The look on Ted’s face wasn’t good.
“Is he…ok?” I asked softly. I couldnt even look at Ted.
“You know Bri.
He puts on a good game face. But, I know, we all know, he’s a mess.”
I nodded.
“What happened, Justin?”
I finally looked at him, trying to
blink back tears.
“I can’t…” I could barely get any
words out.
“Never mind. You don’t have to tell me.” Ted’s
voice was sincere. I nodded.
“Is he awake?” I looked down the
hall to where Ben’s room is. I saw Michael outside talking to Hunter.
“He’s resting right now. They’re
sending him home the day after tomorrow.”
“That’s great.” I whispered. Why
was I whispering?
“Justin, you look like shit. Did
you eat today?” Ted put a hand on my shoulder.
“No, I uh…I was at school all
morning.”
“Why don’t you grab something? At least some coffee.” I nodded and headed down the hallway
toward the vending machines.
God, I felt like shit. Not just
physically but mentally and emotionally too. Fuck. Me and my
stupid pride. Why the fuck couldn’t I just keep my fucking mouth shut?
Why do I need to unload every fucking feeling or thought in my head onto Brian?
Maybe Brian had the right idea. Hide your feelings, bury your emotions and no
one gets hurt. Nothing is said that could possibly damage another. Maybe I was
the crazy one.
As I was hitting the button for
the coffee I wanted, light no sugar, I heard a strange man’s voice behind me.
“Justin Taylor? Is that you?”
I turned slowly to see a male
nurse standing behind me. He must have been around Brian’s age.
“Oh my god, it is you!” His eyes
were wide and he was smiling from ear to ear.
“I’m sorry, but do I know you?” I
asked nicely. Maybe I was just tired. Maybe I fucked him. Maybe Brian and I
both fucked him. Damned if I knew.
“I’m Miguel. I was your nurse on
duty, like, wow, 15 years ago. When you had your….accident.”
“My accident?” What the hell was he….OH. Accident. 15 years ago. FUCK.
The bashing.
“Oh, hi. I’m sorry. It’s been so long. And
a lot of that I don’t really remember.” I shook his hand and smiled. He seemed
really nice.
“No, it’s ok. It was a long time
ago. So, wow. You look great. You know, I always wondered what had happened to
you. How you made out. Did you ever draw again?” He fumbled with his clipboard.
“Actually, yes. I spent 10 years in
“Wow, Justin. That is so great!
I’m really happy things worked out.” He touched my arm and I caught a faint
glimpse of brown hair bobbing down the hallway by Ben’s room.
I gasped and my heart stopped.
Brian.
Fuck.
Miguel turned his head to see
where my attention had been drawn to and smiled brightly.
“He’s a looker. You’re very lucky.”
“Huh?” I asked, being broken out
of my daze.
“Brian, right? That’s his name? You’re lucky. Can’t believe you guys are still together after all these years.”
“I’m not sure I’m following you.”
I shook my head at him. He cocked his head to the side.
“You and Brian.” He smiled again. “I’ve never seen
anyone like him before. The way he sat here every night that you were here.
Sometimes till 6 in the morning, just to make sure you woke up. That’s love.”
What was he talking about?
“Miguel, I’m not really sure you
know what you’re talking about. Brian…wasn’t here. The first night maybe, when
they brought me in. But after that, no. I think you
have him confused with someone else. Or me.”
He laughed. “He never told you did
he? That shit.” He looked down the hall. I followed
his gaze and Brian’s eyes meet mine. He winced when he sees who I am talking to.
“I….” I couldn’t even find the
words. He was here. Every night. After all those times
I asked why he didn’t come. He lied. Time after time.
Why didn't you come and see me?
What for?
Considering I was in a comma for
two weeks, in rehab for a month, trying to relearn how to throw a fucking wiffleball. You should have at least called to see if I
were still alive.
I'm sure I would have heard if you
weren't. Besides, I'm not your occupational therapist, I'm not your trauma
specialist, I'm not even your god damn mother sitting there holding your hand.
I mean, there’s nothing I could have done for you.
I felt like I had the wind knocked
out of me. 14 fucking years I thought he didn’t come see me. 14 fucking years I
lived with that. How could Brian claim to love me as much as he did, take care
of me, miss so much when I left him for Ethan, want to fucking marry me,
when he couldn’t even come and visit me ONCE when I was lying in the hospital.
I had thought that all these
years. It’s something I had lived with. Something that ate at
me. Something I put into the back of my head because Brian showed me he
loved me in other ways. In so many other ways.
But I never forgot.
One more thing I will never forget.
FUCK.
Miguel reached out and put a hand
on my shoulder.
“Justin, are you ok? I’m sorry if
I upset you. I didn’t mean….”
I put up my hand. “No, it’s ok. I
just haven’t really eaten today. I’m just a little light headed. I think…” My
eyes fell on Brian again and I felt as though my heart might burst. My chest
was so tight, I could hardly breathe.
“…I’m just gonna
go…” Home? What home? What the fuck home do I have?
All I have are lies. What the fuck is true anymore?
“I have to go.” I ran down the
hallway, right past Ted. Right past Michael who reached out to grab me but I
was too fast. And right past Brian who looked like he hasn’t slept in days. Our
shoulders bumped and I almost hit the wall.
“Justin…” His voice was soft but
firm. I just kept going. I just kept running.
I climbed into my car, tears
streaming down my face. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. But I could feel.
I felt everything all at once.
But one feeling took over more
than the others.
I started to punch my steering
wheel, the horn blaring with each strike.
I hit it over and over until my
knuckles were bleeding.
I don’t care.
I kept hitting it until the white
leather on the steering wheel turns as red as my hands. I brought my bloodied
hands to my face and cry.
All I could do now is cry.
***